A guide to Pottruck etiquette

I could never wear low-rise diapers. I started doing squats as an 8-month-old in the crib, but it didn't help my tushie lose the flab. If someone sucked the fat out of my ass and divided it equally into serving-size portions, it could probably feed the entire Penn community during a famine, if necessary. Add my thighs, and you've got a three-course meal.

Unfortunately for my pants size and my ego, I still have my baby fat, my adolescent fat and Star Jones' fat slathered on my frame. Last week I weighed more than my SAT score. My jeans were tighter than the fists of a financial aid officer. Never again, I vowed, would I go up another size.

I wasn't happy, but I knew what I had to do. It was time to give up my gym virginity and make sweet love to everything Pottruck has to offer, except for that virtual golf machine.

The more time I spent at Pottruck this week, however, the more I realized how much it seems like its own self-sustaining community. It has showers, it has mats to sleep on and it has peanut butter smoothies. It's like that movie Biodome, complete with bubble-wrap see-through roof.

It also has a set of rules that all members must follow. The first rule, of course, is to never acknowledge that these rules exist. After all, if you violate Pottruck protocol, you are tossed into the pool with the heaviest free weight you can lift strapped to your ankle. Luckily, I was able to swim to the surface with the 7.5 pounds hanging from my foot. So that you don't make the same mistake, I advise you to follow this basic etiquette.

1. Pick your floor wisely.

Though no one will say it out loud, there is a procedure for picking your workout floor. If your thighs do not rub together and you're wearing a designer sports bra, chances are you belong on Floor 1, by the windows, so that everyone can see you and your pledge class T-shirt. Floor 1 is Pottruck prime real estate.

Floor 2, meanwhile, is the land of Hardcore Metal -- the floor with buff, well-trained individuals doing more reps than congressional interns. If you're on Floor 2, chances are you've been to Floor 1 -- but it's a step up, both literally and physically. Do not make eye contact, laugh or stick out your tongue in the mirror on Floor 2 -- you will be shunned.

Floor 3 is where I go. It contains the same variety of equipment as Floor 1 but prevents passersby from gawking at the out-of-shape, clumsy oafs who don't have the mental fortitude to make it on a lower floor. If you're feeling a little self-conscious about your appearance or your gait on the treadmill, this is where you belong. If you break a sweat just thinking about the elliptical, Floor 3 will accept you, no questions asked. Floor 3 also contains a set of mats in the back for sit-ups, crunches and mid-workout siestas.

Floor 4 can kindly be referred to as the forbidden wastelands. I have no idea what's up there. Honestly.

2. Gently wipe down your machine.

Perhaps I lead an unfulfilled existence, but to me, there is no greater satisfaction than wiping down my elliptical machine after a strenuous 10-minute workout. A cursory swipe or two with the spray bottle and paper towels is not enough to clear off the germs after you leak your bodily fluids all over the machine. Instead, wipe the machine down in long, firm strokes -- making sure to dab each crevice with the wet cloth. Go in between the folds, gently caressing the handlebars and the status window. The machine should be moist when you're done.

3. Talking and/or singing is not appreciated.

I do not work out alone because I lack motivation and independence. College junior Jackie Scena and I head to the gym around 11 p.m., figuring that by talking to each other, working out would not be nearly as difficult. As we quickly found out, no one makes small talk in Pottruck. Laughing in front of the mirrors on Floor 2 is definitely not appreciated. And singing Celine Dion and Backstreet Boys medleys on the ellipticals is strongly frowned upon.

But if you happen to be in the gym this week and you see two losers singing "My Heart will Go On" and laughing hysterically at their own athletic ineptness, come and say hi. If you'd like, we can go to the bottom floor and have a smoothie or take a Jacuzzi dip. Who knows, we might even burn a few calories, too.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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