Let's all party like it's 1751

A confidential memo from Facilities was found plugging a leaky pipe in the ceiling of a bathroom in Harnwell College House. After being dried out in a sizzling Stouffer kitchen, the note is being reprinted here for your perusal:

From: Facilities

To: All Students

Re: Recent Difficulties with Heat, Water, Electricity and Flooding in On-Campus Dorms

Dear Student,

We are aware of the current problems "plaguing" the on-campus dorms. We have been "flooded" with requests for maintenance in Stouffer for the fires, the Quad for the plumbing and the high rises for the locusts and the killing of the first-born male children.

Many students have complained, in fact, that Facilities is not handling the volume of maintenance requests correctly or in a timely manner. For the past week, The Daily Pennsylvanian has published a series of articles blasting Facilities for our slow, substandard repairs and the lack of appropriate living conditions on campus.

Because of the recent media coverage, many of you may have gotten the wrong impression about Facilities and the services that we offer. In fact, students probably think poorly about Facilities because they were unaware that we are working on Penn's latest innovative approach to education. We weren't going to reveal any information about this project until the Spring Thaw, but we're "leaking" the news so that the DP stops bitching about our current performance.

You see, Facilities is simply helping Penn phase in a new living arrangement -- nicknamed Project 1751. As you may know, the University opened in 1751, when there was no heat, running water or electricity. It's retro. No electricity, after all, is the new black.

Because Penn highly values its cultural heritage, we believe that students should experience how the founders of the University lived. Therefore, the current living conditions in the dorms are slowly being replaced with colonial-era living arrangements. What you may have thought were just problems with your room in recent weeks were actually preparations for the new Project 1751 on campus. We are actively testing out various 1751-era living conditions in certain dormitories before they will be fully implemented next fall.

If you recall from your basic U.S. History class, colonialists did not have heat in their homes. As such, residents of the high rises will or have experienced "authentic living arrangements" in the coming weeks and months, to recreate the "typical" colonial experience. Bed warmers and woolen blankets will be provided to all those who request them. Don't think of it as losing heat, think of it as gaining a new perspective on life.

In addition, residents of Philadelphia in 1751 did not have the luxury of running water. Recent flood waters in the Quad and Hamilton have simply facilitated the removal of running water from both of these buildings. Additional floods may take place in the coming weeks in other dorms. Still others, including Harrison and Stouffer, have already had their running water taken away for days at a time. To further add to the experience, parasites and other water born viruses will be fortified in the wells outside the Biopond.

We also expect changes to occur in the bathrooms. Indoor plumbing is a luxury that our colonial forefathers were not able to enjoy. Though Thomas Jefferson had an indoor toilet, Benjamin Franklin did not. Nor did he have running hot water. As Quad residents may be aware, the lack of hot water in their bathrooms will simply help them become more "authentic." Remember, cold water kills tuberculosis!

Of course, we have already begun to break down the elevators in the high rises, destroy kitchen appliances in Stouffer, and blow up heaters in Spruce. You may have thought Facilities was simply ignoring these problems but we were, in fact, quite aware of them the entire time. It's 1751 style, baby.

In the next few weeks, you will see many more Project 1751s in the dorms, much like the "problems" that you may be experiencing now. Keep in mind that these "problems" will not be the result of "old pipes" or "bad equipment," as previously reported. They will simply be an additional phases in Penn's plan to acclimate you to your new environment for next year.

Luckily, there are some additional fringe benefits to the student body after Project 1751 starts. No sales tax, no Cinemagic and of course, no drinking age in 1751.

Of course, if you do happen to get ill from drinking, Facilities will be happy to take you to the barber to get your blood let.

If you have any questions, please send us a post and we will get back to you within a fortnight.

Thank you for your patience,

Facilities

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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