It's all in the name

I am one of those crazy people who applied to only one school, got in and never looked back. That one school was, of course, our dear old Penn because I thought then, as I still do now, that Penn is the best university in the Ivy League.

But U.S. News and World Report would have you believe that we're No. 4.

Granted, we've been moving on up like the Jeffersons in these rankings, but it is the triumvirate at the top that particularly puzzles me: Harvard, Princeton, Yale. What is it, precisely, that puts them at the top? I honestly don't think that Penn is missing anything of equal or comparable value, academically or otherwise, that these three amigos have. So what is that magical, ethereal quality that they all possess that consistently makes people place them at the top of the pile?

I remember a conversation that I accidentally overheard at the Hill dining hall when I was a freshman. At a table near me sat a group of girls enjoying a delightful conversation about how to correctly pronounce the word "Harvard." Haaahhh-vahhhd, they kept repeating, as if every extra "h" added importance and prestige. Then, abruptly, the conversation turned to how to pronounce "Princeton" correctly, along with "Yale," and finally, their future alma mater: Wharton. "Whhhhaaarton," apparently, is the correct pronunciation. "University of Pennsylvania? That sounds so ... vulgar," one of them said.

I then wondered how they would pronounce "stuuuuck uppp," but that's beside the point.

It is this conversation that gave rise to the WASPy-Sounding Name Theory, which, like the all-mysterious multi-factor-productivity variable in economics that measures the intangible factors that propel the economy, explains why people often place Harvard, Princeton and Yale ahead of Penn.

The intuition behind the WASPy-Sounding Name Theory is obvious: people associate rich, white, Anglo-Saxon Protestant-sounding names with quality because for many decades WASPs formed the exclusive upper crust of our society and thus such names were socially and economically beneficial.

And they still are. Consider the evidence: Brooks Brothers is the most trusted brand in rich-people clothes; the most prominent investment banks -- Blackstone, Barclays, Jefferies -- all employ WASPy names; the most trusted name in consulting is McKinsey. So why shouldn't rich-people schools follow the same pattern?

They do.

We all know at least one person who applied to Harvard, Princeton or Yale or all of the above simply because of the name. Hell, I even knew a girl who wanted to go to Princeton Law School after she graduated. Good luck with that. Maybe after I graduate I will attend the Harvard Advanced Institute for Leprechaun and Unicorn Studies -- I hear it's really competitive.

People flock to these schools like buzzards to slop buckets, without researching their academics or campus life, simply because their names roll off their tongues like silk falling off a woman's body. They like the smooth sound and the WASPy association and so for them it's a done deal: a school with a name like Princeton must be better than one vulgarly named University of Pennsylvania.

But of course some like to say no, no, no, it is the academic resources, the endowment and other factors that distinguish Princeton from Penn. To prove these people wrong, let's conduct a simple thought experiment.

Pretend you're Einstein.

A school by the name of "College of New Jersey" accosts you one day and asks you to come join its faculty. What would you say? In your mind, would "College of New Jersey" sound any different from "Camden County Community College?" Of course not; you'd probably turn down the offer and go to a school with a more quality-assured name, like Princeton. No wonder, then, that the College of New Jersey changed its name to, well, Princeton.

And no wonder, either, that Wharton gets so much more attention from the press and elsewhere than any other school at Penn; it is the most WASPy-sounding of the four undergraduate divisions.

I thus propose a simple solution for the other three divisions and the University as a whole: let's jump on the WASPy-name bandwagon. No more "Nursing School," but rather the "Claybourne School for Nursing Studies." No more "School of Engineering and Applied Science," but the "Fitzsimmons School of Engineering and Applied Science." And so on. We have plenty of aptly named alumni to help us, as our Zinman urinals at Van Pelt library can testify. And as for Penn as a whole, I can guarantee you that our ranking would be No. 1 had Benjamin Franklin been more ego-driven and stipulated that the school he founded be called "Franklin University." That's Frahhhnklin to you.

And so, the fact that Penn, despite its WASPy-name handicap, is still so high in the rankings is a true testament to its quality. Verily, Penn is a diamond in the (aptly named) rough.

Cezary Podkul is a junior management and philosophy major in Wharton and the College from Chicago, Ill. Cezary Salad appears on Mondays.

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