First glances can be deceiving

In the movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray plays a weatherman who repeats the worst day of his life over and over again, until he realizes he can take advantage of complete strangers. He realizes he can do this because he knows exactly what they want him to say.

Watching Bill Murray, I experienced a feeling of deja vu, somewhat similar to how I feel each week when I hack out this column. Like his character, I try to manipulate my readers as much I can. How will I take advantage of the unsuspecting public this week, I muse. Should I use the Jedi mind tricks? Subversive messages? Embedded acronyms?

If someone besides the government wanted to help me out and maybe pony up a little cash, coming up with column ideas and manipulating you would be a helluva lot easier. If someone in the private sector or business world would contact me, for example, or someone wanted a message to get out to the public, they'd tell me exactly what to say.

Laws prevent the use of public money on propaganda, but really, laws only affect the private sector, right? After all, the Bush administration doesn't follow them. Recently, USA Today and The Washington Post revealed that three syndicated columnists were paid by the administration to promote certain political agendas in their columns. Not surprisingly, The Seattle Times reported that "all three columnists failed to disclose to their readers their relationship with the administration."

Likewise, if I were receiving money from one of you, I would never, ever reveal our relationship to the public, so there's really no need to worry. Should we talk some ballpark figures? MSNBC reports that syndicated columnist Maggie Gallagher received $21,500 from the Health and Human Services Department "to help create materials promoting the agency's $300 million initiative to encourage marriage." Frankly, I'd be willing to take half that.

And, to be honest, I kinda need the money, because President Bush recently stated that "Cabinet secretaries must realize that we will not be paying commentators to advance our agenda," meaning that I can no longer rely on the Department of the Interior to fund the rest of my college education.

Cash from Gale Norton for textbooks might have seemed nice on the surface, but of course, there's always the underlying contractual obligations and the worry that readers might question a sudden interest in the National Park Service, which of course would look suspect.

Columnists voicing Bush's agenda, however, didn't think they were doing anything wrong, even after they were caught, so maybe I'd be okay discussing Yellowstone on a weekly basis. Gallagher said that telling readers about her contract never occurred to her. "I should have disclosed a government contract when I later wrote about the Bush marriage initiative. I would have, if I had remembered it. My apologies to my readers."

Everyone makes mistakes, including syndicated columnists. "Whoopsie-daisies!" Armstrong Williams must have thought after forgetting to reveal he received $240,000 from the Department of Education to write about the No Child Left Behind Act. "My bad!"

Perhaps it just slipped his mind. Perhaps it slipped syndicated columnist Mike McManus' mind also when he received $10,000 to train marriage counselors from the Department of Health and Human Services. Maybe the Cabinet should be focusing on early-onset-columnist-dementia symptoms instead of promoting marriage. I hope Maureen Dowd doesn't take ill!

The President, naturally, did not know his Cabinet was paying columnists and stated that the administration's "agenda ought to be able to stand on its own two feet." Because columnists are journalists and journalists generally don't take cash offers, the Bush PR people have been hopping around trying to cover their asses.

Covert propaganda is always appreciated, but paying the people who report the news to say something probably isn't a good idea. I'm not saying I wouldn't take the money (Visa, AmEx or COD, please) but I think I'd probably notify the public first. Or at least hint at it.

Administrative subcontracts, in fact, probably shouldn't go to columnists in the first place -- unless the columnists state that they received funding. They should probably be handed to more impartial groups, like Hollywood and the RIAA -- groups that never really promote a subversive agenda.

Since most journalists have made it clear that paying other journalists to report certain things is generally frowned upon, it is important to take away all potential conflicts of interest between journalism and the government.

However, clever columnists might still be able to get their own agenda past the "liberal media," even if it has to be hidden. Or spelled out. This way, they can reveal exactly what they want to say. Over and over again, even on Groundhog Day.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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