Be a decent human being: Ask us why

I think everyone on Penn's campus has one of those "HAVE SAFE SEX: Ask Us Why" signs from the Office of Health Education in their dorm room. I have 30. They're plastered all across my common area. If the safest sex is celibacy, I'm definitely playing it safe.

After seeing the signs on Locust Walk, College sophomore Daniel Glass agrees. "I practice safe sex," he told me. "You know ... so I'll be prepared in case I ever get to do the real thing."

Students like Dan are noticing these signs suddenly popping up all over campus, urging everyone to SLEEP and EAT RIGHT and WASH YOUR HANDS and SIGN OFF. They're everywhere, from the hallways of King's Court to the banners on Locust Walk to the toilet stalls in Van Pelt.

I imagine the OHE comes up with its newest slogans to reduce stress on Penn's campus in a room filled with Yanni music, yoga mats and Jewish mothers. But you know what? They're absolutely right. According to their Web site, students reported that stress, sleep difficulties and Internet use are among the biggest factors affecting individual academic performance.

More importantly, despite the obvious longings to replace the word SAFE in the SEX sign with the words HOT AND DIRTY, their campaign is effective. All of the 10 people I interviewed had seen the signs, and some reported being more aware of their Internet and sleep habits, which is always a good thing.

But some students, myself included, believe that the Office of Health Education shouldn't stop with the messages currently in circulation. No, the campaign is simply too ripe with potential to limit it to only five suggestions for improvement. We can do better, because the mental health of Penn students is no joke.

My first suggestion was to have a sign that simply said GET A LIFE. You know, easy to remember, brusque and saying basically everything that the current signs do, only more concisely. But that was too easy, too all-encompassing. We had to focus on specifics.

Matt Berns, a junior in the College, got very specific with his suggestion. REMEMBER THE FIVE SECOND RULE. Simple, yes, but a rule that everyone, I think, can benefit from. The next time your burrito clatters to the floor and you're not sure how to handle the ramifications of the situation, think of Matt.

But Engineering sophomore Patrick Crutchley, who relishes helping other Penn students, certainly had the most useful suggestions for the undergraduate student body. He'd like signs that say things like SHOWER, MASTER YOUR DOMAIN and GET A TIC-TAC. Probably not in that order.

But heed his advice, ladies and gentlemen. It's not to be taken lightly.

Future signs on campus should, in fact, not simply be limited to advice-giving. We don't want the signs wagging their fingers at us, admonishing us for every indiscretion and poor sanitary habit we happen to have picked up during our study-abroad semesters.

In fact, future signs could and should take on an entire personality of their own. Imagine walking down Locust Walk and seeing a series of signs designed to boost your self-esteem. I LOVE YOU, the first one croons. I'M WATCHING YOU, says the second. LEARN HER NAME suggests the last one, helpfully.

Or maybe a more passive-aggressive campaign, as Patrick suggests, might be useful. CRY ME A RIVER, IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME and NO ONE CARES -- following you down the path to chemistry. "YOU WERE ADOPTED: Ask Us Why" the sign notes, without emotion. YOU ARE MORTAL.

The best signs, though, would be the ones informing the student body how to HIDE THE EVIDENCE (Ask Us How!) and EMBEZZLE: Ask Us Why.

Those who want to follow the OHE's real advice should attend their meeting tonight, aptly named Survivor: Penn, at 5:30 in Hunstman G55. They will be presenting information to students on how to manage stress levels and stay healthy.

And if you've tried just about everything on the OHE's current signs with no noticeable improvement, there's always the sign that they're going to start putting up all around campus next week.

DROP OUT: Ask Us Why.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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