Wharton kids get a lot more perks than the rest of us losers. E-mail accounts for life, the use of voluptuous Swedish models in secret Huntsman dungeons, job offers. Personally, I don't mind Whartonites getting these amenities -- after all, it's important to keep our future investment bankers and hedge fund managers happy so that one day Harnwell can get heat.
But even with the marble floors and laser printers and free Aspen vacations, Wharton students still do not receive as much from the University as they should. Sure, we could slough off some funding from the Penn Fund to get them all Segways. Hell, Huntsman could probably use an overhaul. It's like so three years ago. Escalators? Who does that anymore?
But is this really what will make our B-students happy? Probably not.
The next logical step, then, is to figure out what Wharton students don't have. Well, they don't have souls, but that's kind of tough to get at this time of the year, with the Christmas rush and all. Let's think of something more tangible.
When I decided to take an unofficial poll of some real live Wharton students, the results were somewhat surprising. They told me that what they wished for more than anything else in the universe, besides world domination and a cushy job at McKinsey, is a person they can connect with, day in and day out.
Well, my fellow College students, at least now we have an idea where to start. But I'm not going to lie; we've got our work cut out for us. It's time to find our Whartonites mates. But how? With the massive amounts of studying Wharton students do, it's unlikely that they ever have a chance to get out and go to parties and meet people.
I propose that Penn start a service much like on-campus recruiting for these Whartonites without a significant other. Just likewith on-campus recruiting, they will submit resumes, meet with Ruth Shoemaker and undergo a series of psychiatric and physical tests. My Whartonite dating service shall be called: Matching Every Lover, or MEL for short.
Remember, you should make use of MEL for dating because the services offered are considered part of your Penn tuition. When Whartonites decide they want to take the plunge and enter MEL, they will simply visit the center, fill out a few simple forms and be put onto a lengthy waiting list.
Once MEL is available, the Whartonite in question will be set up for an interview, and then dating will occur at some point thereafter. Some Whartonites, however, will choose to not to enter MEL and instead use an alternate dating system. This system, known as Penn's Excellent New Network Giving Industrialists Real Love Suggestions, or PENN GIRLS for short, will not offer the same amenities as MEL's service.
I highly recommend you seek MEL out and attempt to use the services offered before resorting to PENN GIRLS.
But really, MEL should not be limited to only current Wharton students. There are many single alumni who could also benefit from MEL. There is a vast network of Wharton alumni living close to or near cities like New York, Chicago and Paris. These alumni will enjoy reading, watching Nickelodeon cartoons and long walks on the beach. They should also feel free to try MEL out, at least for a few days.
Let's say for a minute that MEL doesn't choose you. Don't worry. This is why we also have PENN GIRLS. But keep in mind that this should be used only as a last resort. The services offered by PENN GIRLS are unkempt and disorderly and do not attempt to figure out what makes you tick. Moreover, the bugs have been worked out of MEL. On the other hand, PENN GIRLS can give your system viruses.
Whartonites who do find success with MEL will not be disappointed. Perhaps even a lifetime of commitment, love and happiness is in store for them. I'm not going to lie. I have had a lot of experience with MEL. The quality of relationships provided by MEL is quite high.
And just remember, if MEL and PENN GIRLS don't work out for you, there's always the Penn Engineering dating service. Their motto is Helping All Nerds Date, and they're looking for members to start Jumping On Board Soon! They're always willing to lend a helping hand to Whartonites in need.
So please, Whartonites -- go and ask someone who may have tried MEL what you can expect. Your lonely days may soon be over.
Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.
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