Cuckoo for both Cocoa Puffs and porn

I have a theory that every successful technological advancement humanity stumbles upon has managed to simultaneously improve our sex lives. The VCR? Check. The phone? Check. The Internet, latex, that spinning toothbrush? Check, check, double check.

It's really hard for me to picture people having long-distance sex before the invention of the phone. Telegrams involve a third party, have no chance for a meaningful two-person dialogue and just aren't sexy. "BABY STOP TOUCH YOUR GIRDLE STOP ONE MORE TIME" just doesn't have the same ring as a throaty answering machine whisper. Morse code takes too long to tap out one's fantasies and translate into heart-palpitating insinuations. And carrier pigeons probably carry diseases in addition to sexual innuendos.

When the TV and VCR came along, there was much rejoicing. Man could now comfortably masturbate on his own mattress, with the added pleasures of Technicolor and surround sound. Porn became a medium everyone and his mother could embrace, not just weirdos wearing raincoats at movie theaters.

And then the Internet appeared, like a mirage in a desert of half-scrambled TV channels and bad '80s hair. When I discovered Internet porn, I felt like Jasmine discovering a whole new world. A wondrous place I never knew. It was crystal clear. Let me share my whole new world with you.

The Internet is the Holy Grail of sexual fantasies, freaks and fetishes. It doth give instant gratification. And it's a really good way to watch lots of people having sex, for free.

But what the Internet giveth, the Internet taketh away. Last week, the Senate held hearings on the subject of pornography, or more specifically, porn addiction. Researchers from across the country testified about the addictive nature of porn. According to Mary Anne Layden, co-director of the Sexual Trauma and Psychopathology Program at Penn's Center for Cognitive Therapy, pornography "damages the viewer [and] the performer," leading to all sorts of trouble.

Layden said that watching porn is demoralizing to females, because the "myth that women are sexually aroused by engaging in behaviors that are actually sexually pleasuring to men is a particularly narcissistic invention of the pornography industry." Without having seen some acts that are sexually pleasing to men on TV, I don't think I'd have any idea what to do in the bedroom. Besides, it's a turn-on because it's like watching a virtual how-to lesson. There's no Idiot's Guide to Blowjobs.

Layden also testified that porn increases the likelihood of sexual addiction, that those who use porn are more likely to engage in illegal behavior than those who don't and that porn damages the sexual performance of the viewers.

Most of the people around me watch porn. Most of us are not engaging in any illegal behaviors that I know of offhand. And without going into too many details, we're not doing too shabby in her third point either.

But that's not the point. The point is correlation does not equal causation. Just because someone watches porn and engages in illegal behavior does not mean the two are linked. Frankly, I think these anti-porn crusaders are confusing simple cause-and-effect relationships.

Substitute the word caffeine in for porn. Or alcohol. Or even using one's spinning toothbrush. Addictions can happen with any stimulus one finds pleasurable. To single out pornography instead of any of these other compulsive activities because of some kind of moral line is ridiculous.

The government is not holding hearings on gambling, caffeine, alcohol or the Internet. They did that once, for alcohol. It didn't work out so well.

Just like alcohol, porn is good in small doses. It can enhance performance in the sack and add a much-needed different element to an ordinary sex life. Just like alcohol, porn can get out of control. However, there's no reason to think that this means there aren't benefits from either alcohol or porn when used appropriately. At least porn can't kill you.

Let's consider another item that would also be thought of as unhealthy by Layden, because it shares many of the same characteristics as pornography. It's artificial. It's much more damaging to children. It probably damages sexual performance when used in excess. It's an "equal opportunity toxin," which is what she calls porn. And it could be replaced with something much healthier. Cocoa Puffs.

I'm an adult who's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and porn. I'm watching other adults. The acts are legal. I'm not engaging in risky behavior as a direct result of watching porn. And I don't want my government morally regulating what I can and cannot watch behind the doors of my bedroom.

And behind the doors of my bedroom, I'm going to continue to watch porn, eat my Cocoa Puffs and use my spinning toothbrush. And I'd be willing to bet that four out of five dentists would agree with me.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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