Our campus has the blue light blues

Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly feisty, I'll whip out Sting's album, prance around the common room in my leg warmers and croon about Roxanne putting on the red light at the top of my lungs. It's a nice way to relax after midterms, and it blends in nicely with the sirens blaring from outside my window.

If Roxanne were tramping around Locust Walk, she'd most likely have to show off her assets under the tepid glow of those snowflakes and the occasional blue light. Not the most romantic atmosphere for Roxy's customers, especially on the off-chance that the campus police show up.

The Penn tour guides assure all parents that blue lights are a direct line to campus police in case of an emergency. They function as a crude global positioning device. Feel unsafe? Just keep running from the half-eaten zombies creeping up behind you and pick up the phones along your path. Through the blue-light phones, the police will immediately know where you are and track you down.

Helicopters will take off and men in army uniforms will rappel down to assure your safety. Or police on bikes will ride by and make sure everything's A-OK. Either way, you'll feel secure, especially if you're taking a tour. Blue lights are visible at all stops on the prospective freshman tours, which are given in the morning and early afternoon.

It's a shame Penn doesn't offer nighttime tours on both the academic and residential sides of campus. If they did, the safety speech might sound a bit different. On a fact-finding mission last Saturday, two close associates and I traced a path from Irvine Auditorium to 40th and Locust streets, tracking the visibility and location of the blue lights and other lighting on campus. We also wanted Qdoba. Based on what we found, I have revised the tour for all guides. Here's my version:

Hello, prospective students. Welcome to Penn! As you know, Penn's in an urban area, which means you need to be on a heightened state of alert when walking alone or at night. Because of a recent string of assaults, we've currently upped the terror level to Red. Please report all suspicious activities to the nearest Spectaguard. They're not armed, but they are dangerous.

Let me be the first to say that I hope that any assaults you may experience take place on the left side of Locust Walk, near 35th Street, in the dead of winter. If not, you're shit out of luck, unless you're a member of the track team. Or unless you have X-ray vision and can see through leaves, which block many of the lights on Locust Walk. In either case, I don't think you'd have to worry about an assault.

Let's say you don't have X-ray vision and are walking near Irvine Auditorium. Or near a high rise. Or behind Steiny-D. Or at 40th and Locust streets, Annenberg or the parking garage at 39th and Spruce. No blue lights. Not one. If someone decides to attack you, let's hope it's not here.

Wait a sec. Maybe there is a blue light at one of these locations. I could be totally wrong. But if I can't see them, does it matter if they're there? The problem is, most of the blue lights at Penn aren't actually lit. Some of them blink small blue dots at the top. These are only visible from one angle. Others are simply metal boxes attached to yellow phones. Blue boxes, I call them. Tough to see at 2 a.m. Tougher when the adrenaline's flowing and there's someone behind you. And they're impossible to see from half a block away.

I wish Penn would make all of the blue lights boxy, bright neon and big, like on other college campuses. Lights that are clearly visible from far away. Lights that are located on all side streets on campus. Locust Walk is probably one of the most well-traveled areas at night. The area behind the Castle is not. I couldn't find a visible light anywhere near there.

OK. We're at the compass. If you're ever running from someone, tiptoe around the compass. Otherwise, you'll fail a midterm. Now look to your left toward Walnut Street. Pitch black. Let's just assume you'll never have to walk through here. It's scary and completely unsafe. There are two barely visible lights on the edge of Stiteler Hall. There are no blue lights. The entire area is dark, with many corners and trees.

Let's also assume you'll never have to cross the 38th Street bridge. Between the bottom of the bridge and 40th and Walnut, there are two blue lights. One is lit, but it's close to the ground and hard to see. The other is a metal blue box, sans light. Neither is particularly close to Harrison or Hamilton or the path in between Walnut and Locust. It'd be hard to run from someone chasing you and get to a non-visible light two blocks away.

Penn students proudly wear red and blue. I fear that without more blue lights, we'll being hearing more sirens on campus, and they won't be looking for Roxanne to put out her light.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.