Investment banking: Don't buy the hype

Have you ever seen that really ugly guy in a suit in front of Au Bon Pain? He's ugly in a fascinating sort of way, but you still wouldn't ever consider dating him -- why whore yourself out to his money like all the other girls? Like, those girls are, like, such bimbos! But then, something weird happens: Like rubbernecking at an accident, you begin to wonder about his potential charms and benefits. You figure, eh, everyone else is doing it, so I might as well go and see what the big fuss is about.

Unfortunately, you quickly get rejected for some really odd reason like you can't do math in your head as quickly as the other girls. Why the hell does that even matter anyway? You begin feeling guilty that you even thought about it, but sort of depressed that a really ugly guy just turned you down.

God forbid that should ever happen to you, but that's exactly what investment banking feels like to me. Why are people so attracted to the mundane art of shuffling papers, having no personal beliefs or opinions on anything, spending hours a day in front a computer with Microsoft Excel as your only friend, trading your sweat and blood in the best years of your life for an amount of money that's going to be insignificant in the long run anyway? Beats me, both before and after I applied to and got rejected by investment banks. Why did I even bother? Because I fell for their stupid hype. I should have paid more attention to the qualities they claimed to seek in their employees.

"Driven, motivated individuals. ..." Everyone's motivated given the right circumstances. How about this: I point a gun to your head, and you have to run until my arm gets tired. I Guarantee you that workout regime is better than Jenny Craig. And I'm not really sure I want to work with people who are motivated to excel in everything that they try, and care an inordinate amount about everything. Usually, we call those people type-A sociopaths -- too wired, and in general not very fun to be with.

"Leading individuals with skills, drive and intelligence. ..." Wow, I've never experienced that before. Certainly, a top-five university in America hasn't provided me with the opportunity to work with smart people. Clearly, I'm smart, and everyone else here is dumb, so I should elevate myself to a banking career in New York, working with people clearly superior to my friends in Wharton. It's kind of odd and coincidental that I see a lot of familiar faces at the interviews, though, who I think I recognize from my Wharton classes. ...

"Leadership and integrity. ..." Goldman Sachs allegedly has "improper conflicts of interest," and is being sued by its clients for undervaluing its initial public offerings, resulting in fines of $110 million. Bear Stearns paid $80 million to settle its mutual fund scandal. JP Morgan Chase loaned money to Enron and helped it disguise the money as profits from operating activities, resulting in a $135 million fine. Morgan Stanley garnered secret commissions to steer customers into mutual funds and released biased research information to the public. Citigroup paid $2.65 billion for its involvement in the WorldCom fiasco. Dresdner and Deutsche are being sued for $18 billion for funding the Holocaust, and for in excess of $20 billion for leading to the bankruptcy of Parmalat. Yes, Mr. Banker, please teach me more about integrity and what it means! Please teach me how to do business the right way!

"A rewarding and fulfilling environment. ..." So if your environment is so rewarding and fulfilling, why do most people leave after two years? Why do people use it as a launching pad for their careers instead of repaying the company that gave them their first full-time job? Why are the authors of Monkey Business so damn bitter about their experiences? Why is the number-one reason anybody works at a bank always money? I thought "rewarding" had more to do with spiritual, intellectual and emotional fulfillment, instead of merely selling your soul for cash.

"Diversity. ..." First off, if you have to pound away about how diverse you are, you're probably not, and every firm emphasizes this, so go figure. Morgan Stanley, the only bank that makes these statistics readily available, has male officials, managers and professionals outnumbering females 2-1. Female office and clerical workers outnumber males 3-1. I'd also venture to say two-thirds of bankers come from one of maybe eight schools. That's not true diversity, then, is it? Different skin color isn't the sole measure of diversity, like most would think; there's also thought process, place of origin and interests and talents.

I could go on and on about this sad process, but turning down around 100K (after bonuses) straight after graduation is difficult. Money talks. If that's your reason for taking the job, I can't blame you, and I wish you the best of luck. But I hope that dignity and self-respect talk louder.

Will Guo is a senior in the Huntsman Program for International Studies in Business from Los Angeles. Aim For The Head appears on alternate Mondays.

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