When nice guys take it too seriously

Once or twice a semester for the past couple of years, a male columnist for The Daily Pennsylvanian has used this space to wax prophetic on his "nice guy" status and his ensuing inability to get laid. Now, if you happen to search back in the archives, the "nice guy" will never have framed his argument perhaps as crudely as I just did. Rather, he will go into a lengthy discourse on the failure of his female friends to notice his love of opera and willingness to sit for three hours painting toenails as signs of his affection. He will gripe about having more sophisticated reading material than Maxim and his eagerness to walk a girl home at 3 a.m. while her boyfriend hits up Club Wizzards. "Why don't they realize I want them?" these guys wonder, as they sit in the high rises playing party poker. "I am so chill in every way."

As a subscriber to Maxim and an ardent fan of 898-RIDE, I don't quite understand the "nice guy" argument. It's easy, however, to draw an inference or two from their whining and passive-aggressive behavior, which is why I'm calling their bluff. Like the fact that "nice guys" are not any different from "not nice guys," except for a major self-image problem. Or that girls don't really want a needy, clingy "nice guy" who won't ever speak up or voice his own opinion.

But, being a "somewhat nice girl" myself, I realize that maybe "nice guys" don't think that they're doing anything wrong, let alone know how to fix it. And as a reader of Stuff, FHM and Men's Health, I think I know men pretty well, at least on paper. They trade stories of wild sexual experiences, while toning their taut, rippling abs. They also like sports.

So without further adieu, here is my advice to "nice guys" at Penn, in the hopes that this will be the final "nice guy" column the DP ever publishes. If you'd like, print it out and tack it on your fridge, just like my mom does with "Dear Abby."

Dear "Nice Guy,"

You're probably sitting in a large lecture hall right now, trying to hide this column. You are, after all, a nice guy, so you're not making it entirely obvious that you're reading the DP in class. Or maybe you're reading this online, as you brew your morning cappuccino, sans froth. Or maybe you have the last name Kramer, have been reading everything I've written since nursery school and aren't even a guy.

Regardless, you've read this far to obtain advice on how to snag a girl and not be a total pansy in the process. Good for you. So what's wrong with being a "nice guy," you ask? After all, politeness and respect are pretty much agreed upon as being social techniques we all should use on a regular basis.

Well, for starters, being a nice guy and a "nice guy" are two distinct entities. Nice is asking a girl if she'd like to watch the Eagles game at New Deck or inviting her to see the Penn Band perform the latest halftime show on Franklin Field. "Nice," on the other hand, is going along with whatever she wants while becoming extremely clingy in the process or, even worse, instructing the Penn Band on formations that express your undying love and affection. Not good, especially on a first date.

I jest, but in all seriousness, there's no need to use your niceness as a cover for your insecurities, whatever they may be. If everyone were completely secure, Dr. Phil could pack up shop and chill at Stanley Milgram's crib, next to Oprah and those "Men are from Uranus" authors. The way the dating pool works is to find who is better at hiding these insecurities, until both parties are completely within full-relationship-status borders, and everything comes flying out.

"But Mel," you say, "I don't have insecurities. I'm happily in a relationship, and my girlfriend and I don't disagree. Like, ever. I usually just agree with what she says." To you, I say we members of the XX chromosome like a little decisive action every once in a while. Be nice, but don't sacrifice yourself in the process. It's bad to continually give in and never speak up. Laying your "niceness" out on the line from the start indicates that you don't want to do anything, including speak your mind, that might jeopardize the experience. Points of contention will then naturally pop up, and you'll eventually resent your girlfriend for never getting your way, even though you agreed to it.

Lastly, sometimes it's okay to be bad. Read Playboy. Go to a strip club. Watch Pumping Iron. If the girl you're dating doesn't go for this stuff, don't switch into Martha Stewart mode. Sometimes it's okay to think, "No more Mister Nice Guy."

Love, Melody.

Melody Joy Kramer is a junior English major from Cherry Hill, N.J. Perpendicular Harmony appears on Wednesdays.

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