Fan letter for the alleged Republican kicker

To the steadfast Republican in the teal polo who appeared on New York's ABC affiliate on Sept. 1, whom many students have identified as Scott Robinson:

I am totally your biggest fan! I wish I could have been there at the Republican Youth Convention to see you in action. Luckily, I was able to catch the footage online, and I have to say, only one word sprung to mind -- hero. You clearly believe very strongly in President Bush and in the Republican Party, since you were so eager to risk your well-being against a female protester half your size, all to prevent her dissenting opinion from being heard. That's the coolest.

Your presence of mind in the heat of the moment was incredible. To not only pull a woman to the ground, but then kick her -- wow, quick thinking. How did you come up with that? Seriously, your response to that AIDS activist was so terrifyingly appropriate, it almost seemed like you've been waiting for an excuse to do it. Where do you get your ideas? I do my best thinking in the shower.

The best part is the way you've represented your university, but more importantly, your generation. It must have taken a lot of work to become so angry and violent at the tender age of 20; you're a real inspiration. Now the whole country will see how socially irresponsible we college students really are. I wouldn't want the media or anyone else for that matter taking the political views of 20-somethings seriously. I'm completely happy being looked down upon and marginalized because everyone thinks we're too immature to understand the issues. At least you understand the most important issue -- kicking some ass!

I bet that hurting that girl will do a lot for the voter turnout in our age demographic come November. Now they'll see that politics is fun! Like a fighting video game. Although, we should do everything we can to keep disillusioned non-voters our age from believing that our system is fair. We wouldn't want everyone's input and, God forbid, a president who actually represents the people. Thank you for showing them that unless you're an irrational, zealous hothead, you ought to stay out of politics.

I was just so happy to see someone finally stop all the thinking and talking, and just react violently to people who don't agree with you. I mean, if we had wasted time thinking before we went to war with Iraq, where would our civilian kill count be? Seriously.

Hey, that gives me the best idea. Now that you'll be socially and politically ostracized from your community, you could do with a change of scene. You will fit in so well ... fighting in Iraq. Your brand of unwarranted, unjustified and gratuitous aggression seems to fit like a glove; Bush would be totally into it. In fact, isn't Iraq just like a female protester -- half, even one-twentieth America's size, who doesn't know when to just shut up and stop trying to represent herself? She just needs a good kick. And you've had prior experience.

Although, I'm not sure that all your fellow soldiers will be as dedicated to hurting innocent people the same way you are. Some of them just want to go home. Can you imagine? They should be happy to be basking in the rays of sunny Fallujah. Some of the soldiers have lost sight of why they are still there, in mortal danger day in and day out. Some of them say that they don't understand why Bush is keeping them there -- you'll be able to reinspire them.

Since you live for Bush and his self-serving conservativism, you should be at the forefront of the battle. Forget about a high-priced education in the comfort and safety of the U.S. Forget Madison Square Garden -- this is where you'll do the most good. Maybe you could even take someone's place and let a homesick, war-weary soldier go back to his friends and family. If this is what you really believe, shouldn't you be fighting for it, you know, against someone who can actually fight back?

Pity that your rash actions will get this AIDS activist more attention and will portray the Republicans as monsters. Oops, maybe this whole thing is just going to blow up in your face. Luckily, you'll be so busy hiding your face, the damage won't be too bad. At least until you get to Iraq. Then it's anyone's guess what'll happen to it.

Anyway, best of luck to you, from your number-one fan. You looked so awesome on television in teal, I can't wait to see you in camouflage.

Jessica Lussenhop is a senior English major from St. Paul, Minn. Textual Revolution appears on Fridays.

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