Ross Clark: Penn experience: ridiculous but enjoyable

In Penn: The Movie, I will be played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar. We couldn't get Matt Damon and James Van Der Beek was busy shooting Dawson's Creek: The Movie. While Saved By the Bell: The College Years only ran for one season, our marketing guru is banking on the movie doing very well in Jericho, Long Island. Handy Andy will play himself and Roastie Toastie will be played by Bob Barker (a molester is a molester).

The key to the success of Penn: The Movie lies in the ridiculous nature of this institution. I cannot recall the exact moment when the thought that Penn is the most ridiculous school first entered my head, but final confirmation came about a month ago. My history seminar had gathered at Mad 4 Mex to celebrate finishing our theses. Over margaritas and shots of tequila, we waxed intellectually about our least favorite person in the class. Several drinks later, things got really interesting as I watched one of my classmates proceed to flash a complete stranger in the middle of the bar. Given that I was not on spring break or at a titty bar, the concept of bare breasts and chips and salsa simultaneously was a little disorienting. Next time, I'll order a double.

Four years ago, I left my life on the farm and ventured to the North. I must confess, I did not know what I was getting myself into. Luckily, my father helped to get me off to a solid start. On move-in day, my parents and I stood in my room in the Quadrangle with my roommate and his folks. While my roommate's parents did not speak a lot of English, my dad still tried to make small talk. To my father's standard question of "Where are ya'll from?" my roommate's parents replied, "Long Island." My dad answered, "No. Where are you from originally?" You see, college is all about expanding your mind and horizons. And sometimes that will take you as far as South Korea!

As I write this column, I have one week left until graduation. The whole concept of leaving this place still feels abstract and distant. In light of facing the real world, the question on my mind is: When is that exact moment when we have to start behaving like adults? After four years of shirking responsibility and finagling ourselves out of actually having to do any work, we are suddenly supposed to take out the garbage and stop throwing our clothes on the floor? In my new so-called post-grad life, will I be the Penn alum who resurfaces during Spring Fling hollering, "Dude, where's the party at?!?" or be the sentimental "College is the best four years of your life" schmuck? But at the end of the day, I will still break down and acknowledge the clich‚, that these past four years have been both amazing and transformative. Yet, what will always stick with me about this place is how absurd it is.

When I imagined my college career, I envisioned myself sitting on College Green, chatting about Heidegger with my new multicultural friends. We would struggle to understand each other over the warbling of the Hare Krishnas seated to our left. At night, we would leave our intellectual pursuits by the wayside for keg stands. Instead, I found myself at a university that is equal parts high school and the corporate world. The social scene here revolves around your ability to showcase your designer bling. As one of my friends said, "People at this school have joined together to spend money."

In place of discussions about Nietzsche, most of the conversations I overhear are concerned with that heavy question of "Who is the Jappiest of them all?" The ridiculousness doesn't stop there. People don't go to class in their pajamas. Happy hour means $7 drinks at LT's or Pod. Our mascot is just a person dressed up as a bigger person. And Bono, yes Bono, is speaking at our graduation.

But at the end of the day, something about Penn drew me here. Perhaps it was the veritable Polo ad on College Green that day when I visited, or just the opportunity to spend $12 on a latte at XandO. Not that I can say that I don't enjoy it. As my brother said to me, "You think you're all above it, but you still wear Diesel jeans." Some say that there is no truth in advertising, but you can't really argue with the fact that "There's no place like Penn."Ross Clark is a senior History major from Winston-Salem, N.C., and former 34th Street executive editor. His e-mail address is roclark@sas.upenn.edu.

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