U. fires all graduate students after strike

(This article appeared in the 4/5/04 joke issue)The ongoing saga between the University and graduate students in support of unionization has reached its culmination with President Judith Rodin's announcement last night that all graduate students have been fired from their posts as teaching and research assistants.

"We, the University, are doing this to prove a point," Rodin said in a press conference, "that graduate students are in fact not employees, and the University can continue to function smoothly without their services."

This announcement comes after the Feb. 26 and 27 strike by members of Graduate Employees Together-University of Pennsylvania, where some graduate students took to the picket line in attempts to persuade the University administration to drop their appeal with the NLRB. The appeal has prevented the tallying of the votes from a unionization election held one year earlier.

The strike did not change the University's position and in fact started discussions among the school's top officials to counteract.

Rodin went on to say that this pronouncement was decided upon by various school officials after weeks of deliberation and that the University plans to have the extra course load picked up by the faculty for the remainder of the semester.

When President-elect Amy Gutmann begins as University president in the fall, she will have the option to then reinstate the teaching assistants.

Members of GET-UP were outraged by the sudden news.

"This is so unexpected," GET-UP Secretary Andrew Heath said. "I don't know how the administration expects to keep this University running. I think they'll realize that graduate students play a vital role in this educational institution and will have to quickly change their mind."

This momentous decision in Penn's history has drawn such national attention from many political figures as well.

"The University of Pennsylvania is making a huge mistake," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, a longtime union supporter. "I support these kids' right to unionize, and so should everyone else."

"This is a travesty in the face of all humanity," Rev. Jesse Jackson stated after hearing of the news. "I implore the University to review the totality and finality of their overly egregious decision. And if needed, I will be the one who will help bring this university back to a functioning state."

Undergraduate students were also surprised by the news.

"Are you serious? Can they do that?" College sophomore Jos‚ Louro said, referring to the administration. "I think that, like, sucks, man. It sucks for graduate students. But really it doesn't affect me -- I don't even go to my recitation sections."

Undergraduate Assembly Chairman and College senior Jason Levy has vowed not to sleep until all undergraduates are fired, too.

"I am currently working on chants to the tunes of She Loves You, I Want To Hold Your Hand and Help!" Levy said.

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