(This editorial appeared in the 4/5/04 joke issue) Our founding fathers once said, "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union." This proves conclusively that unions have been a part of our society for hundreds of years, helping out the little guy. Here at The Daily Pennsylvanian, we could use a little help.
By our very scientific calculations (we asked Jonesy -- he's an engineer) we have determined that the average DP editor works about 8 hours a night. With our wages, that averages out to about a buck 40 an hour. Liberal arts majors make more than that! We're failing all our classes. We haven't slept in days. And Street could really use a bath.
In other words, we've fucking had it. If anyone needs a union, it's us. We have a list of demands, and until they are met, we're going on strike.
First of all, please stop calling us and asking for the Daily News. This will only result in us transferring your call to the Sports Department, who will mess with you. Also, stop calling us when you're trying to get 898-MELT. Really, the numbers are very different. Doing this will result in your call getting transferred to the Sports Department, who will mess with you. Most of all, please stop calling and asking for Dan Fishback. He doesn't work here anymore. Doing this will result in -- well, you're smart kids. You figure it out.
It's not that you need the DP, but admit it -- it takes some of the pain out of those tough 11 a.m. lectures. Plus, it's the easiest source of the crossword. Without our crossword, you'd have to steal The New York Times from that one kid on your hall who always has it delivered but never reads it. Bastard.
Sure, we make mistakes. And we're sorry when we do. But when we screw up, the whole campus knows about it. Think about that -- what if the whole campus knew about that time you totally did that thing at that mixer that all your bros totally busted on you for?
We demand justice. We demand fair treatment. We demand that damn bakery next door to open the hell up already. Until then, we will be distributing copies of The Jewish Pennsylvanian in all of our drop boxes. Please do not let this strike interrupt your daily academic activities.
The Daily Pennsylvanian is an independent, student-run newspaper. Please consider making a donation to support the coverage that shapes the University. Your generosity ensures a future of strong journalism at Penn.
DonatePlease note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.