Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan: Technology's subtle effects on romance and dating

These days, the path to love is lined with candlelight, roses -- and Instant Messenger.

As any good history student knows, technology has a way of rearranging the social patterns of the humans who use it. Inventions -- the wheel, the printing press, the cotton gin -- have all changed the way people live, work and relate to each other.

It seems that not even romance is safe from the reach of the machines. Now that we're in the thrall of new technologies of communication, a veritable Industrial Revolution of dating is taking place. Just a few years ago, we were writing each other love letters and spraying them with perfume, but the likes of e-mail, IM and cell phones have changed everything.

In this day and age, traditionally hazardous courtship has been tamed thanks to the safety net of new communication developments. The process of wooing that special someone now has all the danger of the diagonal parking space at the back of the lot: It's slow going to get anywhere, but safe, and (this is key) easy to back out.

Not too long ago, starting a relationship was inherently risky: After the star-crossed lovers met, one of the two had to go out on a limb and make the first move. Rejection was no less scary then than it is now, but somehow people would take a deep breath and declare their intentions, or at least make a phone call and ask for a date.

Now that everybody has started using IM and carrying cell phones around, though, it's become dating by degrees -- we progress with our suitors through a series of stages, each designed to minimize the potential for humiliation or rejection.

E-mail is the first step in a fledgling relationship. True, this mode of contact is widely regarded as lame when it comes to romance, but it's still sometimes used. Often the initial sign of interest is an e-mail disguised as an innocent request. We'll write to the studious guy in recitation, for example, and ask to borrow his notes -- communication, you see, without having to confess that we're actually interested in talking to him.

Getting each other's screen names is the next big step. Now, you can chat casually without exposing how smitten you are. One huge advantage the IM conversation has over a phone call is that you don't have to commit to just one person. On the phone, you're totally focused; you're forced to admit that the girl on the other end of the line is important enough for exclusive conversation.

But on IM, no such bold statement is necessary. She'll never know that you've rigged your computer to alert you as soon as she goes off idle or that you agonize over how long to wait before you send her a message. As far as she knows, you could be talking to 12 other people, writing a Spanish paper, watching The Real World, or all three. As far as she knows, she's just another screen name.

Another safety feature of IM is the vague nature of typed language. With no tone of voice to betray us, we can dance around flirtation without actually flirting. Go ahead, type something suggestive -- if his reaction isn't what you hoped, you can always pretend you were kidding. Or just tack one of those winking faces behind your innuendo, and nobody can prove you like him.

Cell phones are more advanced, to be used only for the twosome that has safely navigated the nuances of the previous stages. But even after we exchange numbers, we don't jump right into nightly conversation. The portability of the cell phone allows for an intermediate step: the "I'm-out-wanna-join-me?" call.

Passed off as a spontaneous and casual request, this call is actually a way of seeing your young fellow or lady without actually planning a date ahead of time. The call works by going out with your friends for a few hours, then dialing her number. "Hey, a bunch of us are at (bar/frat/house party), wanna join us?" you'll ask. She won't know for sure that you're dying to see her, so it's a well-guarded invitation. Or, if she sees through it, you can always pretend you were drunk.

Perhaps our notorious commitment phobia stems directly from these technological wonders. We young people of today are a cautious lot -- we don't like to tie ourselves down, and we hate to put our egos on the line only to face rejection. Lucky for us, computers and cell phones provide the perfect crutch for the beginnings of love.

We get to the candlelit dinners and bouquets of roses eventually, but it's a slow, painstaking process. And until we reach that point, the real Casanovas are the ones who've mastered the art of technological seduction.

Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan is a senior communications major from Wheaton, Ill. Six Feet One appears on Tuesdays.

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