Steve Brauntuch: Is Keggy the greatest mascot ever?

Here at Penn, we've heard our share of jokes about our mascot, the Quaker. "Fighting Quakers?" our critics declare. "Your mascot is an oxymoron! For Ivy League students, you sure are dumb."

It's an unorthodox mascot for sure, what with Quakers being a peaceful folk and all. But it's tradition, and that's all that matters. We've been the Quakers for over two centuries, and we're damn proud of it. And those critics get awfully quiet when we crush them in basketball.

As someone who is friends with both of the men who occupy the Quaker costume (and having previously worn the outfit in the pages of this newspaper), I am proud to have the Quaker as my mascot. But I understand those who feel it's time to give the mascot an upgrade, or at least some new glasses.

Recently, similarly minded students at Dartmouth attempted to upgrade their mascot and even had a candidate that would have been immediately inducted into the worldwide pantheon of mascot greatness. Sadly, a cowardly student government too concerned with the conventions of society and PG ratings shot them down.

Fed up with having a color for a nickname and no clever symbol to be shown on SportsCenter during basketball highlights, the Dartmouth student government decided to hold a search for a new mascot last spring. It was a lengthy search, with nominees including the Penguins and the Granite (yes, you read that correctly -- an arctic bird and a rock). The leading candidate down the stretch was the Moose, a lumbering, emotionless animal that would have been rather appropriate to represent Dartmouth athletics. (By the way, would that have made them the Moose, the Meese or the Mooses? Food for thought.)

But then genius struck. Nic Duquette and Chris Plehal from the humor magazine Jack-O-Lantern had a thought of their own. What item best represents Dartmouth, a school most recognized as the setting for Animal House? A keg!

And so Keggy the Keg was born. Keggy wears a long sleeve green shirt with white shorts over green tights and, as you might imagine, a keg for his head and torso. Keggy made his first appearance at the Dartmouth homecoming football game against Columbia and was mobbed by students, adults and kids alike. Some asked for autographs, others nothing more than a hug. But Keggy was such a hit that the band invited him onto the field during their halftime performance. The following weekend, Keggy took in a Dartmouth hockey game as well, shaking hands with admiring fans and sparking cheers from the crowd. In fact, Keggy is undefeated at the seven sporting events he has attended to date.

All of this should have been enough to make student government leaders hop on the Keggy bandwagon. However, in a disturbing turn of events, the Student Assembly announced at a meeting last month that it was dropping the new mascot search without even entertaining the possibility of endorsing Keggy. Since the Moose had not gathered the majority of student support (and how could it while standing in Keggy's shadow), the search was declared a failure.

But all is not lost. Keggy himself showed up at the meeting and attempted to rally the troops. In fact, the student body president staged a keg stand on Keggy at the meeting, although it should be noted that Keggy's keg is hollow for legal and aerodynamic reasons. And official or not, Keggy will still be making appearances at hockey games this winter, undoubtedly entertaining crowds wherever he goes.

The lesson here is that the Dartmouth student government failed its constituents in this mascot search. Who cares whether the "trustees" would approve of it? They had the opportunity to endorse the greatest idea for a mascot in the history of collegiate athletics, and they acted as cowardly as the moose they love so dearly.

Think of the possibilities with Keggy the Keg as the school mascot! He could be a bouncer or even a bartender at registered parties, ensuring that alcohol policies are upheld. He could go into the Hanover, N.H., community and teach children about the hazards of drinking and driving. Students could also fill Keggy's tap with root beer and distribute it at a game, fooling administrators into massive panic attacks.

Unconventional? Certainly. But did the Phillies back away when someone proposed that their new mascot be a large, green bird-type-thing? No, they didn't! Now the Phillie Phanatic is the gold standard for mascots, replete with his shaking stomach and odd beak. And don't get me started on the equally legendary Clammy Sosa.

Shame on you, Dartmouth student government, for dropping the ball in your mascot search. You had pure genius staring you in the face, and you ignored the wishes of the student body. You have prevented Keggy the Keg and his legion of fans from becoming mythical figures in the sporting world.

Here at Penn, we're proud of our unconventional mascot. But at Dartmouth, the boring and unimposing Big Green moniker lives on. It's really a shame -- green isn't even a primary color.Steve Brauntuch is a senior Communications major from Tenafly, N.J. and editorial page editor of The Daily Pennsylvanian.

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