Some Ivy League title that was. When you win them as often as we do at Penn, you can afford to be picky. And taking the title only because Columbia beat Harvard is just not cutting it. Maybe if we beat Harvard ourselves this weekend it will be better. "If" we beat Harvard? Sorry, clearly meant to say "when." It's been a bit of a rough stretch for Boston, what with the Red Sox losing and Harvard football dropping games to Columbia and Dartmouth. Both hit the Boston metropolitan area equally hard. Don't worry Harvard kids, you'll still get an A++ despite the team's losses. And your dad will still be a senator. A rich senator. After Harvard's last-minute meltdown last week in New York which led to Columbia's upset, we here at PrognostiQuaking HQ called up an expert in last-second meltdowns in New York. Mr. Tim Wakefield of Coral Spring, Fla., was kind enough to take our phone call. Although he strenuously insisted that he was not the knuckleballer who gave up Aaron Boone's home run -- with an angry mob of torch-bearing Bostonians bearing down on you, would you admit to being that Tim Wakefield? -- we suspected he was lying after pressing him on a sensitive subject. "The knuckleball's a good pitch," Wakefield pleaded. No, Tim. No, it's not. Back to the Penn game. "Penn will win 'cause Harvard's a bunch of [trust me, you're glad we're using brackets]." Ah, the class of Boston. Penn 38, Hahvahd 12 Week 9 picks
| Lewis "Unbreak my" Hart (35-9) | Penn 28-24 | Yale 35-15 | Col. 30-14 | Brown 35-31 | |
| Daniel "D-Mac" McQuade (34-10) | Penn 198-3 | Yale 14x2-2 | Corn. 14-10 | Brown π-e | |
| Steve "Big smooth" Brauntuch (34-10) | Penn 34-21 | Yale 27-7 | Col. 14-3 | Dart. 35-28 | |
| Amy "Steve Bilsky" Potter (34-10) | Penn 35-3 | Yale 10-3 | Col. 21-17 | Dart. 28-24 | |
| Jeff "Par for the course" Shafer (33-11) | Penn 1918-0 | Yale 44-9 | Col. 31-24 | Dart. 16-15 | |
| Mary "Mike Lupoli" Kinosian (31-13) | Penn 33-21 | Yale 42-10 | Col. 27-21 | Dart. 31-17 | |
| Marla "By three we're" Dunn (30-14) | Penn 45-7 | P'ton 16-12 | Corn. 22-13 | Brown 9-7 | |
| James "O.J. Simpson is a" Freeman (30-14) | Penn 38-17 | Yale 35-10 | Col. 13-10 | Dart. 31-17 | |
| Josh "Free Kobe" Pollick (30-14) | Penn 50-7 | Yale 1-0 | Col. 6-2 | Dart. 21-7 | |
| Zachary "Bound volumes" Silver (29-15) | Penn 95-18 | Yale 30-1 | Col. 250-0 | Brown 2-1 | |
| Maddy "MadDogg" Read (29-15) | Penn 49-7 | Yale 35-12 | Corn. 3-0 | Brown 21-9 | |
| Andrew "Drugs" DeLaney (28-16) | Penn 144-9 | Yale 30-0 | Col. 21-14 | Dart. 38-35 | |
| Greg "Wire Master" Muller (27-17) | Penn 28-14 | Yale 35-17 | Col. 17-3 | Brown 21-10 | |
| Helen "Queen Swami" Sessoms (26-18) | Penn 44-9 | Yale 30-6 | Dart. 28-10 | Col. 9-3 |
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