Hilal Nakiboglu: Remedies for failing relationships

Hugh Hefner has described it as "the best recreational drug ever invented." Bob Dole famously volunteered to participate in its clinical trials and later became a spokesman for the medication. One short year after its market-release, the pill earned a place for itself in the pages of the Oxford English Dictionary. Quickly becoming a household name, the tablets cemented their spot in pharmaceutical heaven.

Launched by Pfizer in 1998, this enabling "little blue pill" has since supplied us with lofty guarantees, off-color jokes and laughable headlines. As hard as it might be to believe, Viagra is turning 5 years old this month.

During the first few weeks of its availability, medical professionals in this country passed out an impressive 600,000 prescriptions for Viagra. This translated handsomely into $441 million in sales for the year. By 2002, that number had climbed its way up to a substantial $1.7 billion.

Clearly, something big was happening here.

Since its inception, Viagra has provided rich fodder for late-night talk show hosts. It has delivered to us new things to snigger at, like those suggestive commercials of cuddly old people and newspaper lines that read "Viagra sales anything but limp." Beyond this, however, the drug has brought people promise.

Importantly, Viagra-peddlers link the assurance of physiological betterment to that of relationship betterment. Marketing ploys have done this by providing testimonials of men who applaud the pill for single-handedly saving their marriage.

This is a simplistically misleading, reductionist way of understanding relationships. Sadly, it seems some men still don't get it. The answer to a fulfilling, lasting relationship can't be found in the contents of Viagra, but rather within pills possibly more difficult to swallow.

For the entrepreneurial reader looking to make a splash in the world of drug design, I suggest developing the following, as medicines better suited to remedy the ailing relationship.

1.) YouLookGreat-enol: Recommended for the straight male, especially as a means of proactive preparation for a significant outing. Upon swallowing, the drug would become effective near-immediately and encourage men to say things like "Your beauty overwhelms me," "Have you lost weight?" and "That's a great skirt" without being prompted to do so. It would also enable one to notice (favorably) new haircuts, earrings, perfume scents and items of clothing without being told to look for them.

2.) Listen-initin: To be taken with lots of water or, preferably, an alcoholic beverage. The drug would grant superhuman levels of patience for listening. Indicated for people participating in an event with a significant other's extended family. Taken in this setting, Listen-initin would allow one to sit through lengthy dinner conversations about household pets, recent trips to Disneyland and family philosophies on the uses of Tupperware.

3.) Blinder-olamine: A patch for all sexes, Blinder-olamine would act as a roving eye-blocker. Once applied, it could effectively kill any interest in observing, ogling, assessing and double-taking anyone other than one's primary love interest. Advanced strength Blinder-olamine would make one completely immune to the pheromonic temptations of Colin Farrell, Enrique Iglesias or, more relevantly, the cute guy who frequents Denim. Warning: if used in conjunction with Listen-initin, might cause irreversible transformation into Strom Thurmond.

4.) The EZ-Remember Inhaler: One puff a day would be sufficient to allow for the recall of important dates, anecdotes and locations of sentimental significance. No longer would missed anniversaries, forgotten first-date restaurants and wrongly-remembered clothing or shoe sizes become points of nasty contention -- thanks to the EZ-Remember Inhaler.

5.) Identical-Taste hand salve: Recommended for couples embarking on a trip (quest?) to the video store. If she's thinking The Wedding Planner and he's hoping for Alien-Busters II: The Flesh-Eater Returns, this drug will be of great use. One quick application from a tube of the Identical-Taste hand salve turns anyone into an instant J. Lo fan. Drug effects wear off in three hours.

Let the popcorn-popping begin!

Hilal Nakiboglu is a second-year doctoral student in Higher Education Management from Ankara, Turkey.

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