Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan: The 'slick' moves that don't always work

OK guys, we're on to you. That move you think is so slick? That smooth line meant to get us alone? Such ploys for our attention can be flattering, but trust me, when you use certain feeble boy tricks, we notice. And laugh about it later.

I'll admit that everyone needs some sort of game plan to negotiate the complicated terrain of attraction and dating. I'll admit that sometimes, when the planets align just so, these weak little strategies actually could succeed in winning the attention of the opposite sex. But come on, some of the tactics we've all seen are so tired and obvious that they should be put to rest immediately. What follows are a few of the worst offenders.

Disclaimer No. 1: Of course I don't mean to suggest that all guys are guilty of employing these tricks, so please don't take offense unless you're one of those few who dust them off every Saturday night. Disclaimer No. 2: Yes, I know that we're just as bad, that we have our own collection of lame girl tricks. That, however, is not the order of the day.

One of the classically unpleasant maneuvers involves introducing oneself to a girl on the dance floor. Given that these dimly-lit spaces have such a reputation for spawning romance, it's understandable that some see them as fertile hunting grounds. The problem lies not in the motive, but the method: for whatever reason, some guys think the best way to meet the object of their attraction is to grab her the instant the opportunity arises and hold on for dear life. It's a great way to judge character, really -- you've got a winner if he gives you a first name. You can also tell a gentleman by the amount of time elapsed before he attempts to lick your tonsils.

Hey, I've seen it work (odds of success are directly proportional to number of drinks consumed). More often, I've seen it fail. Here's a hint: if your new lady friend starts gesturing to her girlfriends wildly, if she holds a whispered conference with one and then disappears to the "bathroom," you have struck out. See, most girls I know are too nice to reject this move outright, so they'll escape in a roundabout manner. If she doesn't come back to you within five minutes, move on, young man. Try this shocking tactic instead: ask her if she wants to dance. After she picks her jaw up off the floor, you may get somewhere.

Perhaps you managed to meet her successfully, however, and you've been chatting amicably for some portion of the evening. You can nip this relationship in the bud, though, with another boy trick: the shady line attempting to get us up in your room. Now, we have a pretty good idea of your intentions -- so couching the invite as something else entirely is unbearably cheesy. Please do not use such lines as, "I've got some killer wine upstairs"/"Wanna see a great view of downtown Philly?"/"I really want to show you my 'fishtank.'" This is insulting to our intelligence and can also result in an embarrassing situation if you sweep her upstairs only to discover she actually did expect to see your fishtank. The one without the quotation marks.

That's not to say you must be explicit in your request for company. Something like "Wanna get out of here?" or "Let's go talk some place quiet" are much more palatable.

Then, of course, there are the attempts to use jealousy to win the girl. This is an advanced strategy that is best left to the experts -- it can work wonders in careful hands, but unskilled applications will backfire. I suppose the rationale behind this one is that women always want what they can't have, right? So if I pretend to be into Random Girl, Wonder Girl will knock herself out trying to get to me.

Unfortunately, this gets translated into fumbling attempts like what's been described to me as "the pivot," a move actually choreographed and practiced in certain neighborhoods of Guyville. To perform this trick, wait until Wonder Girl is on the dance floor, then make eye contact and shimmy your way over. But at the last second, "pivot" around her and start dancing with Random Girl behind her. Extra points for kissing and/or groping.

Sorry guys, but that won't win you any hearts. Not only will you look sleazy, but this move provokes anger or disgust more readily than lust. Not to mention that Random Girl is probably desperately trying to flag down a friend to save her from your Prince Charming routine.

So let's instill a moratorium on such tactics and be a bit more creative. That sound you just heard was a collective sigh of feminine relief -- and the vast improvement of your chances for lovin'.

Elisabeth Kwak-Hefferan is a junior communications major from Wheaton, Ill.

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