Street sues Kraft over cream cheese name

(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)

In an effort to secure more funds for city programs, Mayor John Street announced last week that he is bringing suit against Kraft Foods, Inc., concerning the licensing rights to the trademark Philadelphia Brand Cream Cheese, one of the company's top-selling products.

"Kraft Foods is unlawfully benefiting from the name of this city, and they have been doing so for a number of years," Street said. "They're cashing in by exploiting a title that belongs to all of the people of Philadelphia, and we haven't seen a penny of that money. They owe us."

Street's ultimate hope is that the courts will compel Kraft to pay the city a monthly percentage of revenues from the sale of Philadelphia Cream Cheese products in return for the continued rights to use the city's name in its advertising and packaging.

Kraft officially responded to Street's suit in a statement on Friday, forcefully articulating its refusal to settle the matter out of court.

"Kraft will not stand for this type of baseless challenge to the dignity of America's favorite cheese spread," officials wrote in a statement. "The corporation will do everything in our considerable power to maintain the product name which is rightfully ours."

Officials at Kraft Headquarters in Northfield, Ill., were confident that once in court, the company would absolutely cream Street.

"This Street guy is seriously ridiculous," said Michael Mudd, senior vice president of corporate affairs for Kraft Foods North America. "We're an international corporate giant. The judicial pawns of the Republican administration are bound to find things in Kraft's favor. The question is whether or not we'll file a countersuit, arguing that the city of Philadelphia ought to pay a fee to Kraft for the shameless appropriation of our most popular brand name."

According to a recent poll administered by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Kraft's allegation may have some weight. More Americans readily identify "Philadelphia" as a brand of cream cheese than as a major American city.

In fact, given the choices of a) a major American city, b) a rare three-legged marsupial or c) a brand of cream cheese, 48 percent of Americans identified Philadelphia as choice b.

Responses to Street's actions from the Philadelphia City Council were mixed. Front and center among the detractors was Republican Councilman Brian O'Neill.

"I think we have no business interfering with a major American corporate leader," he said. "We should leave these matters up to Congress -- they're the ones with the real information."

Council members James Kenney and Michael Nutter also expressed disagreement with Street's litigation.

"Lawsuits aren't the way to solve things," Kenney said. "It's about forming better relationships with business people. If the mayor were more personable with the important CEOs, they wouldn't be giving us any trouble."

Nutter deemed the lawsuit "one of Street's latest dubious profit-seeking ploys."

Street is no stranger to the courtroom. He was recently cleared of all charges for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater.

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