Four non-Greek campus groups face OSC investigations

(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)

Office of Fraternity and Sorority Affairs Director Scott Reikofski and former InterFraternity Council President Conor Daly can both breathe a collective sigh of relief.

With rush season winding to a close, the Office of Student Conduct is now turning its attention to non-Greek organizations -- The Daily Pennsylvanian, Graduate Employees Together-University of Pennsylvania, the Penn Fund and the Kelly Writers House advisers, to name a few -- which allegedly have been involved in hazing and other such violations.

"It's no longer just pseudo-Greek organizations," said Daly of his anti-pseudo-Greek conquest. "Of course, it's still pseudo-Greek organizations, but now we have a whole other faction to contend with."

The Penn Fund is the first organization under investigation, facing charges of embezzlement. The OSC first suspected the monetary misdemeanor when members of the Penn Fund began to resemble the guy from Monopoly -- and they had hotels on both Boardwalk and Park Place.

GET-UP will not escape unscathed either. In addition to the sombering fact that, ultimately, the group will never get a union, it is under investigation for slanderous chants.

Just the other day, GET-UP spokeswoman Joanna Kempner was seen waving a sign and shouting, "Provost Barchi not really a medical doctor!"

This, in fact, is a big fat lie.

The DP is also facing OSC scrutiny, with a laundry list of charges ranging from poor coverage, a distinct lack of commitment -- specifically, a mass exodus of DP reporters -- and a "ridiculous amount of boardcest."

Other internal investigations -- spearheaded by Daniel "D-Mac" McQuade -- include the search for the stolen GameCube.

"Please return the GameCube," McQuade said in an e-mail statement. "There will be no questions asked."

OSC director Michele Goldfarb is also looking into gambling charges.

"It just seems a little suspect to me that Drugs is winning the Andrew 'Drugs' Delaney NCAA Pool," Goldfarb said. "Also, why is his name 'Drugs?'"

And the DP is not the only organization that enjoys words currently under investigation.

Enter the Kelly Writers House writing advisers, under investigation for extreme arrogance and failure to actually help students improve their essays.

Take former DP Managing Editor Tristan Schweiger, who visited the advisers about his homonym problem, but has yet to see any marked difference.

"If you're going two claim too bee a writing adviser, then you should bee won," Schweiger wrote in an e-mail statement. "There frauds. Their all frauds."

"Damn homonyms!" he added.

The investigation is a particularly hard blow to the DP, which was recently cleared of all charges after dumping motor oil on a Princeton debater.

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