Drew Armstrong: A feeble, laughable push for recognition

I've met Undergraduate Assembly Chairman Seth Schreiberg a number of times, mostly through friends. I never thought he was stupid. Maybe he carried a bit of that self-assurance and hubris common to student council leaders from high school onward, but I didn't think him dumb. Then I read his guest column in The Daily Pennsylvanian just before break. Look it up in the archives -- it's worth tracking down. Seth, buddy, what were you thinking? I can only hope that Schreiberg was drunk when he wrote the first few paragraphs where, in a fit of masturbatory prose, he describes himself. Schreiberg is "the voice that gently awakens you from peaceful slumber;" "the almighty force that governs the minutiae of your undergraduate experience;" "your ideal boyfriend, swaggering about with the chiseled physique of Adonis and the keen intellect of Solomon;" "passionate and romantic;" "the life of every party" and, finally, in perhaps my favorite bit of irony in 238 words of unbridled egoism, "I am the fusion of Seinfeld and Chris Rock." Yes, he's right -- it was funny. But, the sad fact is that Schreiberg wasn't drunk. Either that, or the entire UA was inebriated as well -- Schreiberg e-mailed the column out for the body's approval before handing it over to the DP for publication, according to sources within the UA. If 32 sets of eyes couldn't see that their chairman was about to make a laughingstock of himself in front of the entire University, then I have a little bit of difficulty believing that they're competent enough to effect any real change on campus. I'll assume that Schreiberg meant all this as some kind of self-satire in response to the fact that, according to a Nominations and Elections Committee survey, nobody really knows who he is. (I should be fair -- by "nobody" I really mean "less than 30 percent of undergrads." Not so hot considering he's the head of Penn's highest body of student government. Perhaps a PR representative is in order?) Maybe this was Schreiberg's way of doing something memorable in the eyes of his constituents -- I certainly won't forget the line where he writes, "I am... acutely aware of proper occasions for a fiery lust that burns Puritanical prohibitions on their stakes." Pure comedy. Maybe Schreiberg's friends got the joke, because I can't imagine that it was aimed at the general populace. When you're trying to win hearts and minds, not to mention respect, it's generally not the best idea to make everyone think you're a schmuck for three heavy-handed paragraphs before getting to your point like nothing happened. And his point? It's the annual "Look, we really do matter!" whine from student leaders. Schreiberg's guest column presumably came in response to all the criticism the body has received over the last few months. Most students have no idea who Schreiberg is, and fewer still know about other student government leaders; two DP editorials in the last month have criticized the UA for either being misguided, ineffective or anonymous; a few columnists have taken shots as well (add me to the list). Perhaps most worrisome, five of the 32 UA members have quit their posts, and the UA has had trouble filling them. But at least they've been optimistic about the problem. One member brought in to replace another who quit stopped showing up to meetings a month after he was appointed. But according to UA Vice Chairman Ethan Kay, said replacement member "brought so much to our body, and his departure is tragic." He gets appointed one month, comes to a few meetings, doesn't show up for two months and resigns just before he gets kicked out and the UA vice chairman thinks it's "tragic?" I don't think that's the tragedy here... Is it time to abolish the UA and end the inanity? No, probably not. The body is still the only voice that the students have when it comes to speaking out collectively. As timid and powerless as that voice may in fact be, it's better than no voice at all. While most of the UA's achievements are not particularly significant, it has a few shining moments, notably mobilizing students against Penn Dining's scam to up the number of mandatory meals for freshmen two years ago. But if Schreiberg wants respect for the UA, he'd do better by getting his name out in a respectable and genuine fashion, not by making a fool out of himself. Drew Armstrong is a senior English major from Ann Arbor, Mich.

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