Bush to read student proposals

(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue) President George W. Bush will seriously consider the anti-war stances of many colleges and universities across the nation in discussing strategy in the war on Iraq, the White House announced on Friday.

Stressing that college students are the nation's future, the White House said that their voices cannot be forgotten as the country wages war in the Middle East.

"We have come to realize that not all students are in support of U.S. foreign policy at the moment," White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said at a press conference. "The president sees this as a problem."

Despite the apparent contradiction, Bush stood behind his earlier statements that he "respectfully disagreed" with anti-war protesters, emphasizing that many universities, including Penn, have developed anti-war headquarters, which are a more effective means of eliciting the attention of the government.

"When students set up tables with flyers and posters, the government listens," Bush said in a statement.

Anti-war mobilizers at Penn said they are generally pleased with the president's new considerations.

"I think the president is doing the right thing here," said College senior Arshad Hasan, who recently criticized Penn's Undergraduate Assembly for not taking a stance on the current war. "This just proves that student groups really can make a difference regarding international policy. It's not unrealistic to say that if we work hard enough, we can stop this war -- and hunger."

Other students at the anti-war headquarters in Houston Hall were excited about the milestone announcement -- markers were scribbling and pamphlets were being distributed at record speed.

"We knew if we stayed in Houston Hall long enough, if we gave up enough sleep, if we made enough posters, we would get results," said College senior and Daily Pennsylvanian columnist Dan Fishback. "This is not only a victory for the anti-war movement, this is a victory for humanity."

Penn's Graduate and Professional Student Assembly Chairman Jeremy Korst said he was overwhelmed by the White House's announcement. Just this month, GAPSA passed a resolution against the war in Iraq.

"The timing is impeccable," Korst said. "I can't help but think that our resolution had something to do with it.

"Don't underestimate the power of Penn's graduate students," Korst added. "Union or not, our voices will be heard."

Not all of Penn's students were pleased with Bush's announcement, however.

Conservative activists on campus were openly critical of the president.

College Republicans Vice Chairwoman Stephanie Steward noted that the decision caused her to lose a significant amount of faith in her fearless leader.

"I heard about the Bush announcement while I was at the shooting range," the College sophomore said. "And I was shocked. When I got back to my room, after careful consideration, I consumed several shots of vodka."

"But we weren't really drunk," added friend and College sophomore Caroline Vendel, noting her extreme disdain of campus listservs.

Vendel was recently cleared of all charges for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater.

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