David Copley: Don't call them yellow

In a politically correct society, is it acceptable to refer to an entire nation as the land of "cheese-eating surrender monkeys?" Let's recap the events that led to this unprecedented dilemma. Albert Einstein said "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Something must have gotten lost in the French translation, for at the United Nations, no sooner had Colin Powell revealed strong audio and visual evidence of Baghdad's continued deception did the French foreign minister present a scheme to triple the number of weapons inspectors in Iraq. The birdbrained plan was quickly shot down by chief weapons inspector Hans Blix, who pointed out that with Saddam's lack of cooperation, there was nothing to be gained by adding more inspectors. But the French seem to be going out of their way to infuriate the United States. First, they "forgot" to give their ally a "heads-up" about their decision to present this half-baked idea. They followed this oversight by vetoing a motion to protect another ally, Turkey. For the encore, we may yet see the French veto the war against Iraq at the United Nations, as the latest French opinion polls suggest 75 percent want to see a veto. What causes their anti--American attitude? French philosopher Jean-Francois Revel explained, "It is the compensation of our failures. We were once upon a time a great power, we are one no longer. Europe as struggling to build itself, we resent the Americans for having a global power when we built the American hyper-power in the first place." The French belligerence opened the floodgates to a hate fest on late-night TV: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The army. Why don't they have fireworks at EuroDisney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It's never been tried. Why are French streets tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade. How many gears does a French tank have? Five -- four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind). In this column, I will not resort to cheap shots. On the contrary, I believe there is much we can learn from French civilization. The French have a flair for military strategy. Napoleon's decision to attack Russia at the height of the Russian winter demonstrates their genius. Their latest schema charts a course which could lead to allied military action at the height of Iraq's summer. The French teach us the importance of healthy skepticism. Notice they would not support military action without a smoking gun for proof. And let's not forget what happened last time the French told the world they wanted to wait for proof. They looked out their windows and saw Panzer tanks racing down the Champs-Elys‚es. The French are experts in organizational design. The French plan calls for the creation of regional offices for weapons inspectors. What an innovative idea! Presumably, they are trying to repeat their success in creating sluggish, scandal-ridden, poorly controlled, incompetent entities such as Credit Lyonnais Bank and TotalFinaElf. French leaders teach us about the art of delegation. In World War II, the French delegated their defense to the Brits and Americans. Less than six weeks into the war, the French defenders cried "Uncle Fritz" and surrendered to their German attackers. Four years later, British and American soldiers liberated France by doing something the French had been unwilling to do themselves: fight. The French also teach the world how to freeload. In the 1960s, President Charles De Gaulle figured that France would benefit from the West's defense against Soviet attack even if France didn't pay to be part of NATO. So in 1966, France pulled out of NATO and told the Americans to pull their troops out of France. This led Secretary of State Dean Rusk to ask, "Does your order include the bodies of American soldiers in France's cemetaries?" Arguably, the greatest contribution the French have made to civilization is in the field of hypocrisy. Despite their own transparent motives, they accuse the United States of being driven by a desire to grab Iraqi oil. Somehow, they say this with a straight face. Two years ago, Iraq was angered by France's perceived support for the U.S. "smart sanctions" policy. Iraq announced it would no longer give French companies priority in awarding oil contracts and would reconsider existing contracts as well. Fifteen months later, we learn the French oil giant TotalFinaElf had been granted billions of dollars in contracts by Iraq to develop its oil fields. This includes Iraq's largest oil site in Majnoon with reserves estimated to be in the region of a highly lucrative 20 billion barrels. In conclusion, while it is undoubtedly true that the French are to major wars what the Buffalo Bills are to Super Bowls, I do not think it's in the best interests of political-correctness to call them "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" -- that's letting them off a little bit easy. David Copley is a sophomore Finance and Real Estate major from Bellevue, Wash.

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