Dan Fishback: Reparations, military style

When I listen to Charlie Rangel argue to reinstate the draft, it's easy for me to go, "Yeah! Right on!" After all, for years the military has seemed like more of a summer camp-style scholarship program than anything else -- or at least that's how it appeared on TV. So of course it has disproportionately absorbed young people from the economic underclass. The notion of a "volunteer" army is only "voluntary" in a strictly literal sense. Arguably, there has been an unofficial economic draft in place for years. So across-the-board conscription might even things out a bit. It might force the upper classes to shoulder some of the burden. It might even make them think twice about waging a foolhardy war. But mostly, it's easy for me to agree because I'm gay and wouldn't get drafted anyway. Ha ha. Oh wait, I forgot! I'm allowed to join the military as long as no one asks me about my sexuality, and as long as I don't tell anyone. I can just imagine my first day in basic training... Other soldier: So, Fishback, what did you do in college? Me: Gay stuff -- oh shit!! I've always been kind of conflicted about the military's employment discrimination. Sure, discrimination is a horrible thing. And this policy has ruined many lives. Even now, closeted gay and lesbian soldiers don't know how to stay in contact with their partners if they are shipped off -- they don't know whether their partners will be notified if something happens or how to designate them as beneficiaries... But I guess I've always felt that a strictly heterosexual army was the least that straight society could do to make up for years of psychological and physical torture. They've made us hate ourselves for this long -- why not give us a break and let us stay home while the boy-leaders of the world try to bump off humanity on the battleground? Kind of like reparations. Kind of like affirmative action, too. Just as the historic victims of racism should have a fair shot at getting into college, the victims of masculinism should have a fair shot at not getting blown up in some jerky guy's war. After all, as some have pointed out, this is not just a war about oil -- it's also vaguely about an ancient male legacy of jerky-guyness: "I'm the Papa, this is my house and you'll do as I say!" "Baby, I only punched you in the face 'cause I love you and want you to be happy." "Hey, you gonna eat that?" When you really think about it, jerky-guyness lurks at the root of many, if not all, of the world's problems. Actually, we've just done a quick sweep of the DP office, and no one can think of a single world problem that is not in some way related to The Jerky Guy. (Someone suggested "feminine hygiene commercials," but who are they kidding?) So anyway, my point is that since my people are rather specifically oppressed by this phenomenon of The Jerky Guy and all he entails, we should be specifically spared from fatal entanglement in his global screw-ups. But, as I said, I'm conflicted about this -- I know that this form of affirmative action is not an entirely brilliant idea. (Although you must admit it's pretty convincing.) So here's a compromise: We let people enlist in the army regardless of their sexuality, but we only have a draft for wealthy heterosexual white males who support a war in Iraq. This way, we save oppressed American minorities who would have otherwise enlisted (i.e. those who've been brainwashed by The Jerky Guy), and we make the war hawks put their money where their mouths are -- or at least their sons where their money is. Think George W. Bush would be up for my proposal? George W. Bush: So, Fishback, what's your great idea? Me: Rearranging the military so that there's no way a short-sighted, ignorant, jerky guy like you would ever wage this moronic war -- oh shit!! Secret Service: Mr. Fishback, please follow me to the -- Me: I mean, I mean -- let's watch football and have our wives cook us seasoned pork products! George W. Bush: Hells yeah! Dan Fishback is a senior American Identities major from Olney, Md.

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