Heinous Headlines

Scanning through the New York Post every day, I find myself lost in a sea of puns and alliteration. A truly absurd number of alliterated headlines mixed with an equ-ally amazing number of catch phrase titles make for a pretty funny, yet distracting, newspaper. What I am to think when the headline is "Dapper Don Dead" or "Dapper in Death"? Probably nothing.

Those headlines are fairly clever and it is a New York Post trademark to coin names for people. Mobster John Gotti has been referred to oftentimes as the "Teflon Don" or "Dapper Don," creating ingenious headlines that are fairly consistent with their earlier works of creative writing. One oft-used moniker for Monica Lewinsky was "Portly Pepperpot." The Post dubbed Claudia Schiffer the "Teutonic Temptress." They also gifted David Blaine with the epithet, "Modelizing Magician." Post culture usually has something about dueling divas Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez or whatever combination the week's news merits.

The Post has found its niche in a tough market and has clearly become successful. If not the "paper of record," it is the "people's paper." However, there are also some headlines that make me cringe, like "Gangland Gala at Gotti Grave." Wow. Or, "'Fans' of dead don mob his burial rites in Qns. [Queens] spectacular." As much as the witty headlines evoke laughter, they are still referring to John Gotti's internment services. I think the last thing I would want to do would be to offend the "Teflon Don's" constituents with such whimsical puns and amusing alliteration. But the Post did. To me, alliterating funeral services is disrespectful and seems to cross the line. Witty headlines that your readership has become accustomed to are one thing, but it is a far different thing to spice up something like the Gotti funeral. I don't think they would sell fewer copies if they left some subjects out of the fray.

But clearly, for the Post, nothing is out-of-bounds. Painful puns and all-out alliteration abound. It may be piddling, but I have become increasingly jaded by the alliterations that color the Post's headlines. Obviously, writers who so easily discuss Gotti's services as a "gangland gala" won't feel restrained from "Mets blast but don't bean Rocket." But, when "'Throat' is still a deep secret" and " Payback's A Pitch" are separated by only a fold on Page Six, there is definitely something wrong. "A Fore!-Tune Spent On Open" heralds that "swingers had a golf ball with some pro's." Most of these headlines stand on a hairline between luring me to read them, and driving me far away.

Even the business section isn't spared from the alliterative attempts and painful puns of eager editors. Martha Stewart has been called the "Domestic Diva." Under the headline, "Rigas-Mortis at Adelphia" business writers discussed the Rigas family's troubled telecommunications firm and business woes. Certainly, this is not to contend that the Post does not create real news-worthy and informative stories -- once you are past the headlines, they seem more than able to formulate less hokey prose. However, that does not mean that once you decide to read a catchy title's story have reached the meat of the matter, you are necessarily free and clear.

On the positive, everyone does want to discover what the "Portly Pepperpot" did and said, and who the "Teutonic Temptress" is dating. There are only a limited number of ways to refer to someone, and the Post has cleverly upped that limit. The masses hurry to the stands to see the exploits of the "Dapper Don." It is more exciting to the vast majority of people to read about the "Pepperpot" when every other newspaper is left with blander, perhaps more informative prose. So, as painful as it is to read headlines like "Manic Mob Tracks The Tiger [Tiger Woods]," and as ridiculous as some of these headlines appear to be, there is something to be said about being different. If it helps them sell more copies because they seem more in-tune with the people, kudos to them. If zany puns or alliterations can increase circulation, who am I to argue? But at the end of the day, while these tabloid topic are as enjoyable to me as they are to anybody else, there must be some restraint -- not every obvious pun or alliteration is the most fitting headline.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.