Lauren Bialystock: The ghost of Penn times past

Good morning, Lauren."

"Good morning... er... where am I?"

"You're in bed. Get up. We've got to get moving."

"Go away, I'm tired."

"I don't care if you're tired. It's time to graduate."

"What, from Penn?"

"No, Sherlock, from the Naval Academy! Let's go, you'll be late."

"Woah, slow down, wait a second. Exactly who are you?"

"I am the Ghost of College Past, condemned for a certain eternity to roam the minds of unsuspecting graduates --"

"Yeah right, and I'm Ariel Horn."

"Wise ass. Come with me."

"Why should I follow you?"

"Ghosts have an allure that way. Let's go."

*

"Wait a second... where are you dragging me? Is this -- no! It can't be... my freshman hall?"

"What tipped you off?"

"It was either the vinyl green window shades or the unmistakable stench of my neighbors' room."

"Very astute. See, this is you as a dumb freshman, getting a citation for drinking in the hallway."

"I've wised up slightly since then."

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Haven't I grown at all since freshman year?"

"Of course you have. Then you were a naive 18-year-old, unsure of what to do with your life. Now, you're a naive 21-year-old, unsure of what to do with your life."

"So that's it? That's all college amounts to?"

"You be the judge. Let's go. I'm on a very tight schedule this morning. Graduation Day is for me what Christmas is for Santa."

*

"Where are we now?"

"Look around you.... Anything familiar?"

"A waiting room with bowls of candy everywhere... Why, I do believe it's the College Office."

"Correct. And there you are as a sophomore, declaring your major. Why did you choose Philosophy anyway?"

"When will people stop asking me that?"

"Well, what did it get you?"

"It got me a lot! I learned... stuff... about all sorts of things...."

"That's what they all say. Let me ask you something. Do you think you'll actually hold on to all that 'stuff,' as you call it, after you graduate? Come here, I want to show you something."

"Where are you taking me now?"

"Stiteler. This is you taking a Psych test earlier the same semester. Take a look at the questions. Could you answer any of them now? Do you even remember what the occipital lobe is?"

"Alright, Socrates, I know what you're getting at, but --"

"What's the point of all this education if you wake up one morning with a diploma and you can't even remember what you learned?"

"You're really a pill, you know that?"

"So was Socrates."

"Where do you get off waking me up early in the morning and trying to --"

"Hold your fire, we're not done yet."

*

"Lau-ren!"

"What? [cough, cough] I can't hear you! Where are we? Not... Smoke's?"

"Welcome to Senior Year."

"Wait a second! You just skipped a year and a half!"

"If it was so important, shouldn't you remember it yourself?"

"I suppose I should. But it's all kind of a blur.... Meetings and rehearsals... arriving to class groggy and tired... parties... friends...."

"Aha, so you do have something to show for the last four years!"

"Of course I do! I'm practically a different person now than I was when I got here!"

"Different? How?"

"OK, maybe not different, but smarter, definitely."

"What do you know now that you didn't know then? Certainly not the anatomy of the brain."

"OK, so I didn't retain every minute of Psych lecture! But didn't I learn how to think about psychology? And all those nights on campus, or the seven months in Germany last year... I learned real stuff."

"Such as...?"

"The stuff you can't put into words, dammit! Stuff about life, and about people. Especially myself."

"And did learning these things make you 'smarter'?"

"Fine, maybe I'm not smarter exactly..."

"So you're not different, and you're not smarter."

"No! Yes! I mean... I'm the same person I was four years ago, only... more so. It was a great four years! I just wish I could remember where the time went.... Hello? Ghost? You still there?"

*

"Well, here we are. Last stop: Franklin Field. I shall now most humbly take my leave of you."

"What? That's it? Wait! Come back!"

"Sorry, kid. That's all you get."

"But I want to see more! Take me back to more scenes from college!"

"Can't... time's up. Even ghosts can't rewind the clock. Now get up on stage. They're about to call your name..."

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