U. forces Trammell Crow out

*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue* In a stunning decision, the University announced on Friday that it has decided to end its relationship with Trammell Crow.

"Our decision to end Crow's contract at the end of this year was a difficult one," University President Judith Rodin said. "Crow has been with us a long time, but our relationship with Crow simply was not what we would have hoped."

In an e-mail statement, Crow's only remark was that she would not comment.

After 25 years of faithful service, Crow, a Nursing professor, will leave the University at the end of this school year under controversial circumstances.

To put it in nursing terms, the doctors at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania would say that Trammell Crow flatlined. And they would not be far from the truth.

According to Rodin, who travelled to New York last month to terminate the relationship over lunch at Tavern on the Green, "Crow will be leaving us because of creative differences."

Although Crow's role at the University was drastically reduced several years ago, she still maintained control over several classes in the Nursing School -- until last week.

"Basically, we fired her," said the Nursing School dean, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity.

More than 2,700 professors with some tenuous connection to the Nursing School, possibly disgruntled former employees and paper-pushing middle managers, declined to comment on Crow's departure.

However, Rodin maintains that Crow's dismissal was not without thorough review.

"We wanted to review our Nursing School to make sure we had the best professors possible," Rodin said. "That included a review of Trammell Crow's role in the Nursing School."

Crow came to Penn in 1977 from the University of Dallas. At that time, Penn officials hailed her as the savior of the ailing nursing program.

Rodin said she remains distraught about one of the courses Crow introduced to the Nursing School register in recent years -- "Medicinal" Uses of Marijuana.

Although there was a strong correlation between the implementation of this course and a sudden rise in the Ultimate Frisbee Team's GPA, Rodin said that

"'Medicinal' Uses of Marijuana" will not appear on the Fall 2002 timetable.

"We already have our hands full," Rodin said. "Just last week we had to veto 'Survival 101: How to Live Without Gucci and Prada' and 'Wharton and Cocaine: Expensive Drugs for Expensive People' from our list of Fall 2002 Preceptorials."

The University is also currently investigating Crow's recently published textbook The Sociology of Crack Addicts after allegations that she plagiarized portions of the book from History Professor Tom Childers' book The Wings of Morning.

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