*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*Here at The Daily Pennsylvanian, we pride ourselves on the accuracy of our stories and the quality and completeness of our reporting.
We recognize that a democracy requires active and informed citizens, and we do our best every day of the school year to provide you with the news you need to keep up on campus and city events.
Unfortunately, there are a number of other publications all over this campus that simply do not share the same committment.
These insidious rags fail in every journalistic endeavor.
They do not provide accurate information on those issues that matter most.
They wantonly ignore the most important tenets of good journalism.
They make efforts to steal staff members away from The Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc., and its subsidiary publications.
They fail to provide any insight or show any kind of news sense.
They maintain off-campus houses and have free rein to hold alcoholic rush events.
For these reasons, it is time for the University to make every effort to rid this campus of these so-called news organizations. They exist at a detriment to the University as a whole and the community at large.
Have you seen these things? They're an abomination, a true travesty. Just last week, The Wharton Journal ran a story about a speaker over one about a student's expulsion. Was that some kind of intentional oversight? Or do the esteemed editors simply have no idea what constitutes news? (Hint: it's not a speaker story).
Worse, The Almanac and The Pennsylvania Current slyly brainwash their readers with University propaganda. Their elimination is essential if students are to think for themselves, or have us think for them.
We ask that University President Judith Rodin immediately strip these and other such publications, including The Pennsylvania Gazette and The Triangle, among others, of their funding immediately.
We also call on Rodin to contact her Ivy peers and have them shut down the student newspapers on their campuses. The Daily Princetonian and The Dartmouth serve as terrible stains on the good name of college journalism.
What's more, the University must take every step to halt the proliferation of other purveryors of falsity and lies, such as The Jewish Pennsylvanian, The Catholic Pennsylvanian, The Valentine Pennsylvanian, The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Washington Post.
If Penn is not proactive about removing these groups, it will appear that the University passively approves of their perpetuated existence and their high-risk and illegal activities.
As such, immediate action is necessary and vital.
We're waiting.
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