Childers plagiarized Ambrose

*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue* History Professor Thomas Childers' silence over the recent plagiarism controversy involving him and historian Stephen Ambrose has deeper roots than many first thought.

Childers remained quiet about allegations that Ambrose plagiarized Childers' book Wings of Morning in his recent work Wild Blue. But his silence is part of a long-standing rivalry that ties the two men together in a tangled web of copying and deceit.

Recently uncovered evidence has revealed that, in fact, Childers borrowed words and phrases from Ambrose when the two attended the same elementary school. Both men handed in identical papers for a history assignment in their second grade class.

"In 1492, a braiv man called Chris Columbus saled into the United States," both papers read. "Only it wasn't America then, and so Columbus had to make up the name America, and make the flag glitter like mica so that he could plant it in the ground and claim the entire country. Only it was for Spane, since Columbus was from Spane. But he was really from Italy. The end."

A recent statement from Enid Collins, the two men's second grade teacher, corroborated the evidence.

"I'll never forget those little rapscallions. Tommy and Stevie: thick as thieves," Collins said. "All I asked for was an original one-paragraph report on Christopher Columbus. But oh no, not with those two. I had to send them to the corner for the entire day."

Upon questioning, Childers admitted that not only was he indeed at fault for the juvenile episode, but that it was the hardest stint in the corner he had ever served.

"I just wanted to feel normal again," Childers said. "All a man wants is a bottle of suds when he's working. Just to make him feel like a man."

Childers added that he has since attempted to distance himself from all memories of "Shawshank Elementary School."

Ambrose said he felt the incident established a sort of understanding between he and Childers about the sharing of intellectual property.

"So after that, I figured I didn't really need to cite Childers' work," Ambrose said. "I just felt that I would have written pretty much the same thing Tom did. So why not just take it straight from the source? After all, we're all just telling stories. Right?"

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