Michelle White: Aftermath of a hate crime

Upon reading Dan Fishback's column, "Create a dialogue: Reject fear, embrace discussion," last week, I couldn't help but to reflect on my own experiences at Penn. When I first arrived as a freshman I was very open about my sexuality and expected a certain degree of harassment to come my way. I got what I expected.

I learned to ignore the snickers of passers-by, the notes left on the whiteboard on my door, the catcalls from drunken groups on weekend nights, etc. Hearing people make comments about my gender and sexuality became so commonplace that I started to forget what it was like to live without the near constant comments.

Sometime around the middle of my sophomore year, I began to notice a pair of men who seemed to be among those taunting me on a regular basis. It was the first time that I recognized people solely from being harassed by them.

The two men were sometimes alone, sometimes in a group and not always together, but they harassed me so frequently that I could recognize them immediately from afar. Their harrassment was only verbal, so I didn't fear them much. It was a bad part of any day to run into one or both of them, but I had no reason to avoid them other than to escape insult. Or such was the case until August.

One Sunday night, I had just been released from the emergency room and since as it was 11 p.m., I had to go to the 24-hour CVS at 19th and Walnut streets to fill my prescription.

I left the pharmacy and crossed the street to hail a cab. While I waited, two men approached me. I recognized them immediately.

They were white males between 20 and 26 years old, 5' 8" to 6' 0" tall, one about two inches taller than the other. The taller one had a slender build and light brown hair, and the shorter one was stocky and had darker brown hair. They were dressed casually, looking like typical Penn students.

This description is vague enough to describe half of the men on Penn's campus, but I knew it was them. They smelled of beer and seemed to be quite drunk.

One of them approached me and took out a knife. He put me in a chokehold, while the other let me know that I was "a long way from home little boy."

The first man gave the knife to the other, which he ran along my cheek, warning that I had "better be careful." At that point they left, continuing on their way as if nothing had happened.

That night I went home and treated the two small cuts on my face and neck from the knife and tried go to sleep. But sleep was hard because the rules had changed. I was used to the idea that I would hear people question my sexuality and gender loudly and angrily, but I had felt that I was relatively safe physically. Now, it seemed that anyone who was making comments about me, no matter how long they had been non-violent, could be a possible attacker.

A few weeks later as I walked to my car, parked just west of campus, I literally almost ran into one of these two men again.

This time the attack was much more severe. He threw me to the ground and kicked me, substantially bruising my leg, arm and head. When I told my attacker that I had been to the police, he laughed telling me that I would never know who he was.

Now, the rules to the game have completely changed forever. I cannot go to my car, check the mail or walk to the store. I cannot do any of the thousand things that I do everyday without wondering if I'll see one of them, or someone else who wants to harm me because of who I am or the way that I look.

On the dailypennsylvanian.com message boards, the reactions to Dan's column seem to be centered on whether or not the attacks were in fact due to his sexuality. I have a hard time believing that they were not, but either way I would like to thank Dan publicly for coming forward with what happened. It gave me the courage to tell my story, and I hope that both of us will open some eyes about what it is like to be lesbian and transgender (in my case) or gay (in Dan's case).

Thanks Dan.

Michelle White is a senior individualized major in the Engineering School from Selinsgrove, Pa.

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