Amy Potter: Princeton just can't keep up

I was once told that I had supernatural powers. As a result, I have the ability to predict what our friends up the New Jersey turnpike are saying about the Penn men's basketball team already.

The insults have been around for decades -- Penn is the safety school, the Kommunity Kollege of Filadelfia, the academic cellar dweller of the Ivy League.

We've heard it all. And because Princeton vigorously refuses to change the dynamics of its student body, I'm sure we urbanites will continue to hear the same lame insults year after year.

But nestled in the protected bosom of the Turnpike State, The College of New Jersey is not devoid of embarrassing traits itself.

The sweater vests aren't fooling anybody. We all know that the Pussycats are a bunch of snobs that sit around discussing the correct angle of the pinky finger during their tea sessions.

Despite its superior etiquette, it seems that as of late, The College of New Jersey is continuously working to keep up with Penn -- appointing a female president just this year, only nine years after President Judy Rodin came to power in West Philly.

But really, the quality of our respective universities is not what this is all about.

We're here to discuss basketball.

This season, I'm sure we'll be subjected to a few more tasteless and vapid cutdowns than usual. Yes, it's true, we have three losses in Ancient Eight play. One even came to Columbia.

But despite the recent setbacks, I have no doubt that the Quakers will be the far superior squad in tonight's matchup.

Let's start by talking about the Pussycats' non-conference schedule.

The College of New Jersey opened its season with a streak of losses, the most embarrassing of which was at Florida International, the 231st-best team in the country. Conversely, the Quakers annihilated the Golden Panthers, 75-49.

While the Red and Blue have taken down six nationally-respected non-conference programs, TCNJ's best win is over Monmouth -- which boasts an RPI of 124 and plays in the same conference as noted basketball factories Wagner and Quinnipiac.

Apparently, TCNJ only played against Monmouth because Swarthmore, NYU, and Wellesley were unavailable.

However, the Pussycats were able to scrape out a victory over Division III Western Maryland, 78-24.

Congratulations!

Then, there's the matter of the vaunted back-door offense.

While it's hard enough to draw fans to Ancient Eight games, it really doesn't help that the Old Nassau crew insists on playing like it was 1937.

The Pussycats will take a total of 11 shots at the ol' peach basket tonight, but rest assured they'll pass the ball at least 45 times before each attempt.

The back-door offense is old -- no one wants to see a group of white boys dwindle the shot clock down to the final second on every possession.

And just so you Princeton fans don't soil your Dockers, Penn forward Ugonna Onyekwe has been known to "slam dunk" nearly every single game.

This means he will take the orange spherical object, rise high above the rim, "slam" it emphatically through the basket -- and down the throats of every single preppy undergraduate who overpaid to attend your God-forsaken school.

So, Pussycats fans, when you go to the game tonight, don't be surprised when the Quakers walk out of your poor excuse for a gym with an 87-6 victory.

Just take solace in the fact that you can walk to your Eating Club and enjoy a nice filet mignon to heal your wounds.

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