In years past, the non-PrognostiQuakers had an annual tradition -- bribery.
With so many wanting to join our hallowed ranks, we would give one lucky person the chance to turban up with us for one magic carpet ride to infamy -- provided they had the wherewithal to give us either food, money, sex or booze (preferably all four).
Last year, with three boozin' non-PrognostiQuakers at our helm, the spirits of Griff (aka Dentist) came out victorious.
This year, much has changed. We are no longer non-PrognostiQuakers. We have given up our turbans, and our magic carpets.
And this year, sadly, we find that people only wanted us for our non-PrognistiQuaking ways. It seems no one wants to be a PrognostiQuaker.
Save two.
The Bard attempted to weasel his way out of dailypennsylvanian.com and into PrognostiQuakerhood. But his attempt, sadly, was woefully inadequate.
There was neither food, booze, money nor (thank God!) sex offered.
And so, Shakespeare must remain the ultimate Weenie till the end of days.
But luckily, a second knight in no armor came charging in:
Enter Marv Dash, Jr.
Marv Dash, Jr., is convinced that the Quakers will destroy Cornell this weekend.
He is convinced that there is nothing to the Big Red, nothing save a dorky name, a low ranking and an outpost in the middle of nowhere.
He is convinced that this year's Cornell romping will exceed even last year's 45-15 Penn win.
In fact, he is utterly convinced that Penn's win will be Kamin Cup-esque, a 58-0 Quakers victory.
But Junior is certain of more than just a Red and Blue shutout.
He is certain that the scores throughout the league this weekend will read:
Brown 33, Cornell 14
Dartmouth 23, Princeton 12
Yale 35, Harvard 33
And so, in order to convince the entire campus of the virtue of his PrognostiQuations and to achieve a "dream come true" -- even if it is only as a PrognostiQuaker -- Marv Dash, Jr., offered up the ultimate sacrifice -- Marv Dash, Sr.
The Marvs will take the four head PrognostiQuakers -- Boss, Airhead, Plucky and Princess -- out to dinner.
Food -- it gets 'em every time.
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