Lauren Bialystok: Out of the closet, into the world

It's time that I came out of the closet.

This won't be an easy step for me, so please be patient. It's been a long journey getting to this point.

I was brought up in a socially liberal family. My parents taught me to value humanity, irrespective of race or religion. As a Holocaust educator, my father started teaching me about anti-semitism and racism at a very young age. All bigoted attitudes -- whether presented by politicians, acquaintances or other relatives -- were aggressively confronted in my household. But we didn't have any gay friends, and for the longest time, I wasn't sure how to deal with sexual orientation.

I always felt different from other kids at school, but I didn't know exactly why. Around sixth grade, I started to read about women's issues and feminism. The fit was seamless for me. Economic disempowerment, social pigeon-holing and the whole gamut of obstacles still facing women in our society glared out at me with undeniably clarity.

It wasn't until a few years later that I started to think about gay issues.

I guess it all began when I realized that sexism and homophobia are spawned from the same attitude: the reduction of an entire gender to a prescribed list of attributes and desires. Already attuned to the undercurrents of sexism in our culture, it was pretty natural for me to start picking up prejudices about sexual orientation, too. I began to read about homophobia and speak out about gay rights.

Yet somehow, it was all still very theoretical -- until finally, I took an honest look at myself and my sexual orientation.

Now I'm ready to "out" myself to the world.

I am heterosexual.

Surprised? Don't be. You probably never would have assumed otherwise until reading the first line of this column.

And that's precisely what National Coming Out Day is designed to combat.

We live in a heterosexist society. Heterosexism is the assumption that everybody is straight. Heterosexual sex, heterosexual relationships and heterosexual love are regarded as the norm -- indeed, often as the only acceptable type of sexual behavior. Often, non-heterosexual versions of sexual expression tend to be portrayed as "deviant."

In her revolutionary book The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir astutely observed that women are seen as the sexual aberration in a patriarchal culture that celebrates "male" as the norm. Similarly, homosexuality and bisexuality can be described as "The Second Sexual Orientation" in a culture that prizes heterosexuality as the correct sexual behavior.

Many people practice heterosexism without being aware of it. The attitude permeates almost every facet of our culture, from Hollywood movies to classroom discussions to conversations with our friends. Even in the absence of explicit homophobia, virtually every part of mainstream culture is geared toward the (supposed) desires of heterosexuals. This, despite the fact that approximately 10 percent of the population is not straight, and 30-40 percent of those who identify themselves as heterosexual will have at least one homosexual encounter in their lives.

National Coming Out Day is Oct. 11. The event is equally important for heterosexuals as it is for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning individuals.

When non-heterosexuals "come out of the closet," they send us a strong message about the environment we've created for them. NCOD is a day devoted to non-heterosexuals asserting their own space in an often unfriendly world. Their statement should make us all scrutinize the heterosexist prejudices embedded deep in our consciousness.

It's not always easy to confess our role in keeping people closeted.

Are you tolerant of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals? Tolerance means you're not likely to target non-heterosexuals or make any comments to their face, although you might sneak in an off-color joke when you're around your friends. Tolerance isn't enough.

Are you accepting? Acceptance means you're prepared to work with them and be around them, as long as they don't mention their private lives or "flaunt" their sexual orientation. Acceptance isn't enough.

What would be enough?

When each person, regardless of sexual orientation, can be respected without suffering gender- or orientation-based discrimination -- when we no longer need a NCOD -- then we'll have done enough.

Until that day, heterosexuals must actively join in the fight to make the world a safe place for non-heterosexuals. By "coming out of the closet" as a heterosexual, I challenge the assumption that I'm straight by default, and I acknowledge my obligation to welcome others out of their respective closets.

"The closet" is a metaphor for the psychological prison to which society has relegated everybody who's not heterosexual and readily identifiable by gender-specific attributes. Being in the closet entails denying who you are in most situations. You have to mask your true identity for fear of discrimination. You usually aren't afforded the privilege of talking about your relationships, your desires or your feelings. You see yourself, to paraphrase de Beauvoir, as the "other" by which another group of people maintains their power.

I wouldn't want to live in a closet. Would you?

Lauren Bialystok is a senior Philosophy major from Toronto, Ontario.

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