Homework all around us

Way back when, I chose Penn because of its upstanding academic reputation. At least that's what I told myself at the time. Now I know that I chose Penn because it was a place where I could get lost in the crowd -- read: a place where I could come out of the closet. What approximately nine out of the 10 people reading this essay feel for the opposite sex -- lust, blood flow, swelling, glee -- I feel for the same sex. And I denied those feelings through adolescence, high school and into my first two years at Penn. I tried so hard to be straight, maintaining first a long, long distance relationship and then, after breaking up with her, another full year trying to fathom how I could ever come out of the closet. When I look back, I can't help but mourn the time that I lost. I feel so stupid for wasting time on questions like "What if no one will like me?" I've gotten over that question. And from experience I now know that I can expect more from my academic equals. So maybe you can fathom my shock, then rage, when I read in this newspaper the words that Philip Bartlett put in the mouths of the College Republicans at last week's debate: "It is not entirely undebatable that the gay and lesbian lifestyle is a choice that an individual makes, or that it is a behavior that a person chooses to live by. It is not something that in inherent in all of us -- like race." Both Bartlett and I are seniors. This essay is not about homosexuality, or even the fundamental freedoms that any human being should have. It is about something much closer to home: It is about how we spend our time at Penn. It's about this rare luxury called college, which less than 1 percent of the world population enjoys, and whether we choose to educate ourselves or isolate ourselves. It's about whether or not each of us is doing our homework. Any comfort that I have with my gayness has been hard won. I have taken long walks through this city trying to mitigate my attraction to men. I asked God to take those feelings away, but s/he wouldn't hear of it. I have hidden feelings, erections and the truth. While descending the escalator of the bookstore, I have glanced furtively at gay magazine covers. I have read and read and cried, in frustration, not relief, just as much. I have studied anthropology. I have written. I have apologized! I have taken self-portraits. I have poured over anything, from Shakespeare to Darwin, to learn about myself and others and the human struggle. I have done my homework and I have arrived at the other end of college a new man standing on the rock of my own hard-won convictions. I have done my homework. What are College Republicans doing with their time? The College Republicans have not done their homework. They are wasting their time. They are wasting their privilege, a privilege local high school students can't even fathom. My initial reaction to Philip and his comrades was to convince them that I can't help but be gay. Then I started to defend my right to fall in love with whomever made my heart flutter, or even better, to fuck at the whim of mutual desire. Whoa! As if I had to defend who I sleep with. I don't care who the Republicans sleep with! But that's not the point. This essay is not about your freedom or their freedom to live free from the threat of someone else's rubric. This essay is about the homework that is taking place all around us. It is about the midnight pacing that I, and countless others, have done in the name of independent thinking, and the self-selecting and insular experience that the College Republicans have apparently culled for themselves. It is about making the world a place where everyone can actualize him or herself. I suspect that Philip was merely trying to win a debate. His argument, which you can read more of on the Web, rings of monologue, not dialogue. It is an argument not based on the humanity of someone's genuine experience, but on trite and unpractical language that seeks to control, not free. It is the language of high school debate, which is not unlike the political banter that seeks to maintain power at any cost. College isn't about winning, college is about sharing ideas and experiences, and it should be a springboard for life habits. Well gang, college will be over soon. If you're game for some homework, take a look at the Gay and Lesbian Almanac; the section on religion helped me to understand how the indigenous culture of the Bible is missing in our modern interpretations of that great, parabolic book. Hamlet, who relentlessly pined for truth, also helped. Even better, if you'd like to talk, please e-mail me.

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