Pencil sharpening, coffee brewing and the internship adventure

Dear Random Potential Employer: I am writing to you because I am extremely interested in obtaining a position at your company's New York location this coming summer. Admittedly, I don't know much about your firm or what exactly it is that you do, but I've heard that everyone else in my class wants to work for your company, so I figured, hey, why the hell not? All it takes is a resume drop and a dream. Actually, I really liked the free coffee mug you gave out at your recruiting presentation, and I'm hoping that by working at your firm, I will be able to complete a dinner set for eight and complete my t-shirt collection. In any case, I'm sure that I'll be an asset to your talented and creative team and whatever it is that you do; I am excellent at sharpening pencils. For the past three summers, I have worked at reputable companies that have promised me exciting and hands-on work experience, though they really just paid me to check my e-mail constantly and occasionally work on the few unimportant projects assigned to me while under the watchful eyes of my superiors. It was a fair trade, considering that most people who look at my resume and see the companies' names are impressed, even though I didn't really do anything particularly impressive myself. Each of these internships challenged me to think critically and creatively about the projects to which I was assigned. For example: Would it be better for me to wait for the broken Xerox to be fixed, or should I use the Xerox across the hallway? Should I put these files in a green folder, or a pink one? More importantly, each of these internships also taught me how to view the commercial world both objectively and subjectively, from the viewpoints of both the marketer and the creator. I'm not sure how this is relevant to your company, but I've used that last line in all my cover letters, and I think it sounds snazzy. I'm looking to put my talents to work for a company that delves into problems, sleeves rolled up, in an attempt to find creative solutions. I also hear you have a really nice cafeteria. From my past professional experience, I have learned the importance of planning, organization and teamwork. For instance, it was much easier for me to leave work at 4:50 on Fridays if the other intern who worked with me kept my boss distracted. Similarly, if the other intern left for lunch early, I knew that it would be a good time for me to point out to my boss how eager I was to work and how lazy my counterpart was. Additionally, sitting in on crucial meetings taught me the hierarchy of an office setting -- only people who are really annoying, really bitter, or really old are allowed to speak. At these meetings, I also mastered the art of the closed-mouth yawn. Additionally, working in a smaller company one summer gave me the opportunity to fully grasp how to correctly label a FedEx airbill, which surprisingly, I did not learn in my three years of education at an Ivy League school. Because of my past work experience, I believe I am aptly prepared for a job at your company. Also, I hear you bribe your summer interns to work for you after they graduate by taking them out to expensive dinners. I particularly like filet mignon under a light Bernaise sauce -- please add that to my file. Working at your company appeals to me because I could implement my skills learned from course work at the University of Pennsylvania -- including suchheavy subjects as "Ideas in Mathematics" and "Victimology." I'm sure that my work as an English major who has read Aphra Behn's Oroonoko at least four separate times will also prove invaluable in an office setting. I am an analytical thinker, enthusiastic, a quick learner and excellent at alphabetizing files. Furthermore, I have no qualms about fetching coffee for those who care little about my academic or professional growth, much less my name. Thank you for your time and consideration, and if you don't send me at least some sort of response to this I'm going to be really pissed.

Sincerely, Anonymous (I'm not stupid)

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