Straight talk about coming out

For Paul, a College freshman, coming to Penn this fall was not just about checking out parties, trying different classes and escaping his parents for the first time. He had some other things on his mind. Life at Penn would offer him his first chance to be completely open about his sexuality. Coming from a conservative and religious Christian background, Paul, who asked that his last name not be used, grew up with the notion that homosexuality was an unacceptable way of life. But shortly before going to college, Paul began to come out at home to some of his closest friends, and here at Penn he has gradually continued that process. "It's a slow process," Paul said. "But I don't want it to be too slow. I want to enjoy my life." Today is National Coming Out Day, a holiday that celebrates and honors those who have become part of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community. At Penn, a rally, with a speech by Candace Gingrich, will mark the occasion. But gay students are quick to note that coming out doesn't happen in just one day. It takes time to openly acknowledge your sexuality and there are students in many stages of this process on campus. College junior Jen Moore agreed, explaining that coming out is a series of steps, "and the first person you come out to is yourself."

It's such a relief "Coming out is such a huge stress; it's huge," Moore said. "It took me at least five years to come out to myself." Moore is now very open about her sexuality and is involved in the LGBT community on campus. She will be one of the speakers at today's National Coming Out Day rally. Before coming to Penn, Moore was out to very few people, including a few select family members, and as a freshman she came out to a limited number of people. It took until her sophomore year before she felt ready to come out more openly. "Sophomore year I was pretty much comfortable," she said. "For the first time I was really open." At Penn, an important part of Moore's coming out process involved telling her teammates on the softball team. She said she initially encountered some discomfort on the part of her teammates. But "it goes both ways because it was weird for me too," she explained. She said the LGBT is a source of support, and looking back she is glad to have reached this point in her coming out. "Bringing that aspect, [your sexual orientation], into your life... it's not a question anymore, it's not a problem anymore. It's such a relief.

A reality check

At Steve's first hall meeting freshman year, the house manager made a derogatory comment about an area of the city called the "gayborhood," a gay neighborhood in Center City. The Engineering sophomore came out in high school to his friends and parents and planned to do the same at Penn. But that remark scared him. During the first half of his freshman year he did not come out to other students. "In general, I was myself," he said. "But I got frustrated." Tired of monitoring his behavior, he slowly began telling close friends that he was gay during second semester, and word spread after a while. "It made second semester a lot easier," he explained. "I could just be honest and open. If anyone did have a problem, they just kept their month shut." But he said his experience during the beginning of freshman year was something of a "reality check," and helped to remind him of some of the conflicts that are implicit in coming out.

Gradual process

Elizabeth is comfortable with being out at Penn although this has not not always been the case. "I started at school being very, very closeted," the College sophomore said. This was in large part due to her first few social experiences at Penn at fraternity parties. She felt the overwhelmingly straight culture of the parties had no room for gay students. The "[LGBT community] is not very visible, if you don't try and find it," Elizabeth said, and she initially found it easy to overlook. With time, however, as she felt closer to her friends and felt more at home here at Penn, she slowly started telling a limited number of people that she was gay, and by second semester freshman year she felt almost entirely comfortable doing so. Elizabeth explained that there was no one definite day when she decided to tell people and that "[coming out] is a more gradual process than people think." And other than receiving a few weird looks or an occasional obnoxious comment directed at her and her girlfriend, she has not had any problems. "I guess that I expected people to have much worse reactions than they did," she said. "I definitely didn't lose any friends," though some took longer to adjust than others. Elizabeth anguished over telling her parents, and although she finally came out to them before returning to school, they are still coming to terms with it.

I want to be free

One College sophomore, who asked to remain anonymous, said he is still not ready to tell the world about being gay. He said that growing up he questioned his sexuality, but a lack of exposure to the LGBT community in his suburban New Jersey home left him confused. "I was really so clueless," he said. "I think that's a good word to describe how I was." For parts of his senior year in high school and his first year at Penn he had a girlfriend. And while he never "felt that I was living a lie," he knew that he was confused. At Penn he hoped to finally have the opportunity he so badly needed to come to terms with his sexual identity. "I came [to college] hoping that I could be whoever I wanted to be," he said. But one of the first things his roommate said to him was about the girls on their floor. "I don't think that people understand how much the assumption of heterosexuality comes up in our society," he said. He still remains deeply conflicted, though, regarding his sexual identity. While he can admit that he is gay, he says he isn't yet totally comfortable with the idea. This year, he has immersed himself more in the LGBT community on campus, attending every Queer Student Alliance meeting since September. But while he appreciates knowing that an LGBT community exists, he does not feel a part of it. "I was very homophobic and still am," he said. "I am still dealing with [the issue of being gay] because I want to be free."

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