Reflections on being out

October 11 was National Coming Out Day, and I can't say how happy I am that Penn had such a successful public celebration of it. While I could not attend the rally and other events myself, I couldn't help but note the passing of the day in my own way. Walking down Locust Walk that Wednesday, I was more on edge than I normally am, and I monitored the world around me more apprehensively than I normally do. Perhaps I just should have enjoyed the NCOD stickers and rainbow balloons, and in large measure I did, but they also scared me. Being a butch-looking transgendered lesbian who does not alter her identity for the outside world, I have learned that merely being who you are means sometimes being attacked for it. I have great pride in who and what I am. I will not hide it from the world by changing my haircut, clothing or mannerisms. I acknowledge, though, that this choice is not always a safe choice to make. I have been physically attacked more than once and verbally attacked more times than I could count. Sometimes I laugh it off; sometimes I cry it off. I accept this aspect of my identity and will not change how I look to reduce its frequency. When I walk down the street and hear one of those conversations -- "No, I'm telling you, man, that's a chick with a shaved head. She's a dyke, I'm telling you, man" -- I just prepare myself for whatever is coming and hope that I will have the strength to be strong and not fight back. This October 11, I have to admit that a certain level of sadness came over me. While a lot of my LGBT brothers and sisters were celebrating who they were, I could not help remembering lying at the base of a metal fence being beaten, sitting in a room having my best friend take pictures of the bruises for the police, learning that the CAT scan showed internal injuries, realizing that the police could not protect my family if I did go to them, learning that what happened was not a hate crime in Pennsylvania and every day after listening for the start of a conversation that might mean I would experience it all over again. I wanted to celebrate that I live in a world where I can be "out" and not be arrested for it, still hold a job, still have a family. I wanted to be happy to have gotten where we have as a society, but part of me could neither get past how far we still have to go nor brace myself for the possibility that a day of celebration might include insults, graffiti or even violence -- just like every other day might for us. In the end, I would like to thank the Penn community for this NCOD, to thank Vincent Griski and David Goodhand for their generosity in helping us to gain strength and to take a moment to thank everyone for how far we have come. But we must also remember at the same time that we are not celebrating the end of a journey, but the progress of one.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.