JOKE ISSUE: White trash want center, too

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Students from the midwestern states are planning to hold a rally on College Green tomorrow at noon in favor of creating a resource center for Midwestern Americans. "We've felt really neglected by the University and we think it's time we demanded our fair share of the University's resources," said Kathy Wade, a College junior from Springfield, Ill. An informal coalition of nearly 200 students have been planning the protest for several months, in response to the proposal for a Pan-Asian American Community House. "There's the African American Resource Center, La Casa Latina and now an Asian center," said Engineering freshman Joe Finkel, from Springfield, Mo., "yet there's no place for Midwesterners. We have our needs, too." The students are also drafting a proposal for the resource center, which they plan to submit to President Judith Rodin and Provost Robert Barchi by next week. The proposal outlines the specific space and funding requirements of the center. The most distinguishing feature of the plan calls for a brewery to be housed in the center's basement. The rally tomorrow will feature keynote speaker Jerry Springer, the former mayor of Cincinnati who now resides in Chicago. "We thought Springer would be a good speaker because he's a very prominent midwesterner and he's quite popular among college students," said College senior Jay Parker, of Springfield, Ohio, who is leading the effort. "He was really enthusiastic about coming to Penn to support our cause." Parker added, "Jerry gave us his word that he would stick to the cause and not try any of his talk show antics during the rally." Valerie De Cruz, director of the Greenfield Intercultural Center, said students had been complaining to her about the lack of a center for Midwesterners for some time. "Students would come into the GIC to hold events and complain about not having a place of their own," De Cruz said. The Midwestern students hope to solidify further within the next few months to form a more formal organization. They are also discussing the creation of a Midwestern Studies department. "We have a rich heritage," Wade said. "Corn harvests, state fairs, it's all part of our culture." Penn Students Against Midwesterners said they were outraged by the protest and plan to hold a farm-in on College Green tomorrow during which they will pretend to plant corn and milk cows.

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