JOKE ISSUE: Street: Get off your asses, fatties

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Watch out Philadelphians: If you're packing on the pounds, you might have to pack your bags and head out to fat camp. Disappointed by the lack of initiative residents have taken to lose weight during his first few months in office, Mayor John Street has come up with a new way to trim the city -- mandatory exercise class. Under Street's new plan, all overweight Philadelphians will be required to attend weekly exercise classes -- much like traffic offenders must complete volunteer work -- and visit the mayor's office in City Hall once a week to be weighed. "No longer will Philadelphia be mocked as the fattest city in America," Street exclaimed. "We have to fight the fat, beat the bulge!" The program will be run out of a building slated for the former DisneyQuest construction site at Eighth and Market streets. The facility, expected to be completed in 2002, will feature several floors of exercise equipment, an indoor track and a mural of the mayor both before and after his remarkable weight loss. Yesterday's announcement is the latest of several moves by Street to clear Philadelphia of its reputation as the fattest city in America. Already the mayor has appointed a fitness czar and appeared on Oprah to speak about obesity. The exercise sessions, which Street described as a mix between upbeat aerobic dancing and strenuous toning work, will be held in unused offices across the city until the new facility opens. To determine who will be required to attend the sessions, the mayor himself will spend the next five weeks going door to door and weighing people. Street will begin walking University City streets on April 24. Street's spokeswoman Barbara Grant said she has heard only praise of the mayor's city-wide exercise plan. "The mayor spent a lot of time on City Council figuring out what this city needed and now he's putting his ideas into action," she said. "Forget schools, forget crime, Philadelphia needs to concentrate on the important issues -- like weight!" Penn students Against Exercise will be handing out donuts on Locust Walk all this week to protest Street's unfair treatment of chubby people.

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