JOKE ISSUE: Smith revealed as secret donor

Philly native Will Smith gave the $2 million to build the new Penn baseball stadium. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] When the Penn baseball team hosts Philly rival Temple on Wednesday, the Quakers are gonna get jiggy with it. The Penn Athletic Department stunned fans yesterday with an announcement that will make the Red and Blue into Men in Black for a long time to come. The anonymous donor whose money built the new Penn Baseball Stadium at Murphy Field is ready to come forward and be recognized. From West Philadelphia, born and raised, Will Smith --Ewhose smiling face already graces a billboard beyond the left field wall -- is now willing to attach his name to the stadium. It will be called Will Smith Field. "My last check for Wild Wild West came on a flatbed," Smith said, estimating that sales were around "20 mil." Smith, whose annual income makes Whartonites drool as much as his wife Jada Pinkett-Smith does, also joked with some members of the Quakers about the outfield billboard he adorns. "He was smooth," right fielder Kevin McCabe said. "He told me not to let that billboard get to me like the spaceship froze Bernard Gilkey in Men in Black." Hopefully for the Quakers, the spaceships themselves won't also be distracting at Will Smith Field. The Athletic Department is planning a series of promotions and giveaway days relating to the star, beginning with free Men in Black mini-spaceships for all fans at next Saturday's doubleheader against Cornell. "Holy jeez!" Penn baseball coach Bob Seddon said. "These mini-spaceships are really something. They were showing me the prototype, and I'll tell you, they're really something. You could probably land on the moon with one of those. Isn't that the moon lander? I remember when Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon there, and they start playing golf on the moon. Aw, Aldrin was a four-handicap on the moon, but he was a hell of a baseball player too. We damn near recruited him to come pitch for us, but it just didn't work out that way. He went to Princeton, just like that Chris Young. And that weightlessness on the moon, that probably helps ol' Wonder Boy out with the basketball, and Princeton for having that." The popularity of the Penn baseball team is almost certain to skyrocket now that Smith is associated with the Quakers and their field. "Oh, you know the kids love him," Seddon said. "This is sure a great day for Penn baseball. Why, it's almost as nice as that day when Doug Glanville got three hits off of Tommy Glavine for us at the Vet. I'll tell ya, he hit that third one right down the line, you know how it is, when you're not sure it's going to hit the line or not and it hits the line, and it's a double. Well, that double won us the game against, oh, who was Glavine pitching for? Right, Brown. Yeah, Brown. That reminds me of this one time back when I was the soccer coach when Brown tried to bring in Pele. Those rascals tried to sneak him into the league by spelling his name backwards. Well, there it is, 1977, and the guy's just been in the World Cup for Brazil, and he's suiting up as Elep for Brown. My guys are chasing him all over the field, but they can't catch him, it's a wild goose chase, because Elep, Pele, whatever you want to call him, he's so fast, and he scored three goals. But anyway, yeah, this Will Smith kid. Can he hit?"

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