JOKE ISSUE: Getting ass soon to be much harder

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] University President Judith Rodin misses "the way things used to be" at Penn, she said on Friday after announcing that the University's 12 college houses will return to single-sex status in the fall of 2001. "Co-ed dorms breed pregnancies and a whole lot of distractions," Rodin said. "Something must be done to prevent problems like these." The University Trustees approved the president's proposal that the campus be divided into a west campus and an east campus, with the 38th Street bridge serving as the connection between the two sides. The dorms west of the bridge -- Harnwell, Harrison, Hamilton, Gregory and DuBois college houses -- will be male residence halls, while the Quadrangle, Stouffer, Hill and King's Court/English college houses -- all east of the bridge -- will be designated for females. "Hooking up should be more of a challenge," said Rodin, who as a Penn undergraduate lived in then-all female Hill House. Under the new housing arrangement, students will not be allowed in dorms of the opposite sex between midnight and 7 a.m. Spectaguards will be charged with enforcing this rule, and will receive bonus pay for each attempted violation they report. Director of College Houses and Academic Services David Brownlee said he thinks the move will only improve the already flourishing college house system. "Really," he asked, "how much better can this program get?" Meanwhile, Rodin said she hopes the change will raise student GPAs across the board and bring back the creativity currently lacking in the student body. "When I was an undergraduate, we had to be creative to get ass," Rodin said, adding that climbing through windows and substituting pool tables for beds were common practices. Students' reactions to Rodin's news were mostly negative. College sophomore Craig Platt was practically speechless after hearing about Rodin's plans. "What the?" was all that the irate Platt said. Meanwhile, College junior Kei Yamamoto, a resident advisor on the 11th floor of Harnwell, said, "If enough students are disgusted by the new arrangement, there will no longer be a housing crunch on campus." And Sugata "Sugar" Ray, a Wharton sophomore, explained, "No one, not President Rodin, not the guards, can stop me from climbing through windows to see my lady friends in the wee hours of the morning." Penn Students Against Single Sex Housing will be holding a 24-hour orgy in Rodin's office starting today to protest the housing change.

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