JOKE ISSUE: Campaign violations discovered

[NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Giving a new meaning to political corruption, five of the 10 highest vote-getters in last week's Undergraduate Assembly elections have been expelled from the body after committing various campaign violations during the past several weeks. The Nominations and Elections Committee had initially discovered minimal wrongdoing among the victorious candidates and even hailed this year's election as one of the cleanest in recent memory. Upon further investigation this weekend, though, the NEC recognized that it had overlooked "heinous" violations committed by UA veterans and newcomers alike. Among those implicated are College freshman Aaron Short, the second-highest vote-getter among all of the candidates, and College junior Michael Bassik, the current UA treasurer, who received the most votes in this year's election. Short had evoked sympathy among voters when he appeared in a front-page story in The Daily Pennsylvanian in which he claimed to have had his appendix removed. Students overwhelmingly responded to the fact that Short was running his campaign from his hospital bed -- gown and all. But one day after the election, the doctors and nurses who treated him at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania said they never actually treated him at all. "Physically, the kid was in perfect shape," said rheumatologist William Kelley, who was, until recently, the chief executive officer of Penn's Health System. "He said he needed the bed for a photo. Who am I at this place to say no?" Meanwhile, Bassik, a UA fixture since his freshman year, was expelled after NEC officials discovered that he offered bribes to voters and attempted to buy an endorsement from the DP. "This egregious protocol inadequacy is extraordinarily insulting to my incredibly significant status. Really just extraordinary," mumbled DP Executive Editor Binyamin Appelbaum, a College junior. "I hope this will not come back to haunt me in my bid to one day be president of this very fine country," an uncharacteristically unkempt Bassik told a crowd of onlookers at his College Hall press conference last night. "The embarrassment of this situation even made me forget to gel my hair this morning. Please go to my home page, www.michaelbassik.com, to read more about me." Penn Students Against Campaign Violations said they were outraged at the candidates' misbehavior and will hold a protest to declare that Kris Ryan should be elected in the violators' places. Said one member, "We agree with Kris."

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