JOKE ISSUE/Library to be razed for shopping mall

Van Pelt Library will be demolished this summer to make way for a six-story, 200,000-square-foot retail complex, University officials announced yesterday. The gigantic shopping mall -- tentatively named Executive Fry Common -- is scheduled to open in the fall of 2001 and will bring approximately 26 new retail venues to campus. The financing specifics are not yet clear. Although no contracts have been signed, J.Crew, Polo, Banana Republic, Armani Exchange and Kate Spade are expected to fill some of the 40 slots. The ground floor of Executive Fry Commons will consist of a gourmet food court featuring such popular dining options as White Dog Express and Le Bec Fin To Go. "This is a valuable opportunity for the University to make some major cash," Executive Vice President John Fry said. "Plus, the place has got a super-duper name and a place for me to buy my Polo ties. It's all very exciting." "And hey, did you hear that there's this TV cartoon guy named after me now?" Fry added, referring to FOX's new Futurama cartoon. The plan to eliminate Van Pelt has met with little opposition. "We can probably just hang out at Xando instead," said one College freshman. "Hey wait -- will be there be a Xando in the food court?" Library administrators also said they were excited about the advent of Executive Fry Common. "Van Pelt was basically one big dump anyway," Vice Provost and Director of Libraries Paul Mosher said. "The bathrooms are like health hazards and the shelves are so dusty that I sneeze my way through this place. All those renovations just weren't working." And that, according to Fry, is exactly the point. "Sure a library is a great thing to have, but it just didn't make sense in terms of Penn's economic goals," he said. "We need to redevelop University City, and we just cannot do that with a worthless building like a library." Student leaders said they were angry that University officials did not consult them on the decision to raze Van Pelt -- after all, some of them said they've studied there once or twice during their college careers. They are planning a rally later in the week to protest.

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