IVY ROUNDUP: "Jake and the Fatman edition"

Well, I hope you enjoyed them, because you've seen the last of the decent opponents that the Quakers will face for a long, long time. If you attended any of the home games at the Palestra, or made any of the treks to Washington, D.C., Puerto Rico or California, it's all downhill from here. Say goodbye to the Kansases, the G.W.'s, the Rhode Islands and the Temples of college basketball and hello to the rest of teh Ivies. Can't you just feel the excitement? Well, at least we can look forward to Princeton, right? After all it is the year of the Tiger right? · Mentor of the Week One of the many perks of being a Daily Pennsylvanian sports writer is the opportunity to sit courtside at Quakers sporting events, where one can schmooze with and learn from some of the most respected journalists in the nation. For example, when the Quakers traveled to Pottsville, a small town somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania, to beat up on Bucknell a couple of weeks back, we had the great privilege of meeting one of the most dignified, eloquent journalists in the business, Chris Courogen of Hoop Time magazine. He was in town to promote the game, which his magazine was sponsoring as the Hoop Time Bucknell Basketball Kids Classic. We saw his name on press row and camped out in two adjacent, unmarked chairs praying that he would come over and honor us with an anecdote or, perhaps, engage in a riveting discussion about college basketball. As luck would have it, he came over to say hello. "Get the fuck out of my seat before I call security," Courogen bellowed, with all of his 450 pounds drowned in sweat. Not only were we honored that he took the time to talk with two aspiring journalists, but we were grateful when he came back to further engage in enlightening basketball diatribe. "I'm not going to tell you little shits again," Courogen said. "Move or I'm gonna hurt you." Before finding our seats for tip-off, we thanked Mr. Courogen again for his kind words and wished him luck in his battles with obesity and pedophilia. · Massive Head Trauma of the Week (and it's not mine) We all know how annoying cheerleaders can be. They whoop and holler loudest when their team is down by 38 points with under two minutes to go. The guys wear little skimpy shorts. And possibly most irksome, they never throw me any T-shirts when someone hits a big shot. It's about time someone put them in their place. In last Tuesday's Penn victory over Drexel at the Palestra, it was a most unlikely hero. Referee Joe DeMayo showed his disgust of the Drexel cheerleading squad by giving one girl a concussion and sending her to the hospital. With just under four minutes to go in the second half and the game no longer in doubt, a break in the action prompted the Drexel cheerleading squad to torture the crowd one more time by shaking their pompoms around the court. An unidentified sideline screamer already donning a huge black eye began one of those interminable back handspring routines. Just as she neared half-court, DeMayo left the scorer's table on a collision course. She never knew what hit her. "I'm turning around and the next thing I know, I see these legs flying at my head," DeMayo said. "I felt the impact and saw her go down flat on her head." The stunned cheerleader, probing at her massive head trauma, waited for help from the Drexel trainers. She was released a short time after from HUP and is listed as day-to-day. DeMayo never looked back. · The Hawk with Hemorrhoids Continuing on the anti-cheerleader theme, we would like to call attention to the St. Joseph's male cheerleader who stood up for his team in the hostile Palestra, then took a seat. Immediately after the Quaker paraded around the court with the 15-foot Penn flag, this humbled Hawk answered with the hand-painted sheet on a stick known as the St. Joseph's flag. He taunted the Quaker faithful, gesturing for them to kiss his you-know-what. Then he fell on his you-know-what and listened to 6,000+ fans taunt him as he scurried for the nearest bleacher to hide under. Another Hawks cheerleader, Duval Simmonds, also the team's starting forward, did his favorite St. Joseph's cheer, "We're Number One," not once, but twice, to the Quakers fans. Before inbounding the ball in front of the first row fanatics, Simmonds surreptitiously slipped his middle finger to the crowd, out of view of the referees, his disapproving coach and the religious St. Joseph's faithful.

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