Wharton School to have single major

This article appeared in the joke issue. One week after the Wharton School of Business, Finance, Commerce, Management, Accounting, Insurance and Legal Studies announced that it will combine four management concentrations into one general Management concentration, yet another bombshell has been dropped. According to Wharton Dean Thomas Gerrity, the combination of the Entrepreneurial, Multinational, Strategic and Human Resources Management concentrations was just the tip of the iceberg. In a prepared statement obtained by The Daily Pennsylvanian, Gerrity announced that "every Wharton program will be combined into a single concentration." Management Chairperson Peter Cappelli said the decision will improve Wharton's curriculum. "I, like many other administrators, feel like students declare Management just to avoid taking real classes like finance and accounting," he said. "Let's face it -- Management as a field is bullshit." Gerrity suggested that since Wharton currently awards undergraduates with a B.S. degree, "We may as well give them B.S." University President Judith Rodin applauded Wharton's decision, claiming that the move was consistent with her "One University" plan. "I hope one day we can blur the distinctions between majors, eliminate Wharton, Engineering and Nursing and all move to a commune in Amish country," Rodin said. The decision will affect only those students who were born after Nov. 17, 1977 and before April 6, 1978. But since Wharton will no longer offer any classes, upperclassmen will also see some ramifications of the change. Gerrity said he personally e-mailed four Whartonites, but that he doesn't plan on notifying the rest of the school. Provost Stanley Chodorow said the decision is "in the spirit of the 21st Century Plan." Asked what is in the 21st Century Plan, Chodorow said "I have no damn clue." The title of the uniconcentration has yet to be determined. The finalists, according to Gerrity, are Business, Business Administration, Commerce and Jimmy. No Wharton students were available for comment. They were all too busy screwing each other.

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