U. to charge monthly fee for e-mail usage

This article appeared in the joke issue. 34th Street Magazine Proving once again that they could care less about student's lives or pocketbooks, University administrators last night announced the institution of a $100 per month fee for maintaining their e-mail accounts. According to Noam Arzt, executive director of administration and info systems, the University is unwilling to support Internet surfing habits of "thousands of horny undergraduates." When asked to elaborate upon his statement, Arzt explained, "Everyone knows that students spend hours online looking for pornography. Frankly, this has to end, and hopefully, with the institution of this fee, students will think twice about using the Internet for their perverted fantasies." Arzt added that student misuse of the Internet was the primary motivation behind the institution of the fee. "These students are in direct conflict with a number of University policies, including but not limited to the 21st Century Plan, the Perelman Quadrangle and the Agenda for Excellence," he huffed. Arzt added that administrators decided to charge $100 fee after considering a "number of factors," including how much a trip to Bermuda is going for these days. "I've always wanted to go to Bermuda, and my wife was able to get off work, so hopefully the students will start paying up ASAP so I can get that instant kickback President Rodin promised me," he said. The fee, which is effective immediately, was greeted with dismay from students. "I'm pretty pissed," said a Nursing sophomore. "How am I going to get to the Asian Babe of the Month Club homepage?" But Computer Science geeks, oops I mean majors, were the most perturbed about the fee. "I'm online at least 10 hours a day, but I don't have an extra hundred bucks just to line the pockets of the University administrators," said one Engineering senior. The fee comes in addition to the University's "General" and "Technology" fees, both of which will be maintained. "They're sucking us dry," complained a College freshman. "Soon I'm not even going to be able to afford Murph's, much less the Get-Laidium." The fee will not affect faculty, staff or adminstrators, although several anonymous administrators expressed concern about continuing to allow free Net access to staff members. "Can't we do something about Paul Lukasiak?" President Rodin asked in a fit of desperation. "He's always talking shit about me on upenn.talk. Why does the staff need e-mail anyway?"

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