U. abandons plan to demolish high rises

*This article appeared in the joke issue.

After completing a comprehensive review of residential facilities, management consultants Gail Biddison and Tom Hier released recommendations yesterday against tearing down the high rises, saying the project would be too costly. "We asked Biddison Hier what it would cost to renovate the high rises to really bring them up to 1990s standards and what it would cost to just destroy them," University President Judith Rodin said. "There is no question the cost of destroying Superblock and building another dorm instead is much higher than just renovating it," she said. But administrators still plan to continue with an overhaul of the current residential system, and they have already begun formulating designs to make the high rises more attractive to students. Rodin said she hopes the new design will encourage students to remain on campus. "Superblock seems to me a real missed opportunity for this University," she said. "I think we can rectify the error." In the fall, the Biddison Hier team met with several focus groups to determine student preferences in terms of residences. "We got a lot of feedback from upperclassmen about wanting a housing option that falls somewhere between the tight-knit communities of first-year housing and the total independence of off-campus living," Hier said. "Students identified the proximity of common spaces, dining halls and athletic facilities as primary concerns," he added. New York City's Plaza Hotel will serve as the model for the refurbishment, according to Executive Vice President John Fry. "Right now, students in the high rises are always so impatient for the elevators to come," Fry said. "We want to slow people down and get them to say, 'Wow, this is really cool'." To that end, the lobby of each high rise will receive a total facelift, highlighted by the installation of a central aquarium tank containing tropical fish and multiple varieties of sharks. And the rooftop lounge of each building will be renovated as a penthouse suite for star athletes and children of prosperous alumni. While administrators want a holistic approach to the renovations, each high rise will have a distinct "look and feel." "There will be different gears of renovations, but they will all relate to each other," Fry said. On recommendation from the Undergraduate Assembly, the rathskeller of High Rise East will be converted into a recreational athletic facility with a state-of-the-art weightroom and an Olympic-sized pool. The adjoining sauna will feature vegetation indigenous to the rain forest and small primates. The basement of the High Rise North will contain a five-star restaurant with live nightly jazz. And students will be able to use their PennCards in the slot machines of High Rise South's Rathskeller Casino, circumventing Pennsylvania law which prohibits gambling. "I won't have to worry about chalking my ID before going to AC any more," Wharton sophomore Harry Blumenfeld said. In addition to the physical alterations, the high rises will see many service changes as well. A concierge will be on hand at the front desk to make recommendations about restaurant and the best cultural events and parties each weekend. And a bellhop will be available to assist students during move-in and after large shopping expeditions. Gone will be the days when residents have to take the elevators down to the commissaries to restock on Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Instead, students will be able to call room service to deliver all their late night needs. And the maid service will freshen up apartments each morning and turn down beds at night. "I may actually be able to find my Finance problem set," Wharton sophomore Janna Davidson said. Moneta added that the costs for the renovations will be limited by making the new service positions available as work-study jobs. The high rise renovations are scheduled for completion by next fall's move-in -- barring any four-alarm fires, according to Graduate School of Fine Arts Dean Gary Hack. "This is a detail-oriented process -- down to the mints on everyone's pillows," Associate Vice Provost for Undergraduate Life Larry Moneta said. "It's something you only want to do every 50 years."

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