Stern to give Commencement speech

This article appeared in the joke issue. Howard Stern, host of the highly acclaimed Howard Stern radio show and star of the recent blockbuster film Private Parts, has been selected to speak at commencement May 19, according to University President Judith Rodin. Rodin said Stern was chosen because of his popularity with young people and his known crusade for free speech. "We are excited to have Howard as our speaker," Rodin said. "How many other Ivy League schools can claim to have had the King of All Media at their commencements?" She explained that Stern visited the University while on a book tour and has been intrigued by it ever since. According to sources on the panel, Stern said he liked the fact that he would not have to purchase new clothing to speak at the University because of the amount of black leather he already owns. "It's important to have a speaker who possesses a sense of ruggedness," Rodin said. "I was recently in touch with him, and he said he's going to descend a rope as 'Fartman' from Graduate Tower B -- now that's chutzpah." Rodin also explained that from her viewpoint, a male speaker with small genitalia would not infringe on the feminine hierarchy she has worked desperately to create at the University. Annenberg Dean Kathleen Jameson said she hopes Stern's speech would increase the validity of the Communications major, despite the fact that he studied communications at Boston University. "Hey, beggars can't be choosers," she said. "Besides Judy has Brokaw -- can't I at least have Stern?" Undergraduate Assembly Chairperson and College junior Tal Golomb said he thinks Stern has ulterior motives for doing the speech. "Basically I think Stern read Time magazine's article about University tuition. He has three daughters and he's already thinking about the expense of college tuition," Golomb said. "Maybe he thinks the University will cut him some slack on tuition because he once spoke at Commencement." College of Arts and Sciences Dean Robert Rescorla said he hopes Stern will use his speaking opportunity to bash the Wharton School. "I'm so sick of Whartonites calling all the shots," Rescorla said. "It's high time sometime put those uptight, ass-kissers in their place." Sources close to Stern disclosed that at the request of Robin Quivers, Stern's newsperson, Provost Stanley Chodorow will appear topless on an upcoming broadcast of the show on the E! entertainment channel.

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