Ivy Roundup: Red Hot Mama Edition

and Michael Hasday It's been the kind of week that makes you embarrassed to be an Ivy Leaguer. (Of course, Cornell has had to suffer with that embarrassment for years.) The men of the Ancient Eight split their six games with the Patriot League pansies on Saturday. Now, that's just plain embarrassing folks. You see, a while ago, the Patriot League filled its rosters with scholarship boys that could play some football. But the Patsy League dumped the pseudo pay-for-play format a few years back and decided to restore some integrity to their woefully inferior academics -- with the predictable result: bad football and hick players. How hick are the players? Judge for yourself. Oedipus Rex: The Sequel of the Week It was Parents Weekend for the Bucknell Bison as they geared up to play Penn last weekend. But while the parents were assuredly psyched up for some prime Division I-AA football, their sons had something else -- quite Freudian -- in mind. You see, with a tip from a reliable Bucknell source, the crack staff at Ivy Roundup has learned that the players were engaged in a "Who has the hottest mom?" contest. Obviously, the Bison were inspired with all that maternal lust, giving the Quakers a battle until falling in overtime. Even Penn coach Al Bagnoli noticed Bucknell's improved play. "Unfortunately, they made it very hard on us," the Penn coach said. Yikes! Getting Off That Topic of the Week We here at Roundup feel it appropriate to get back to the confines of the Ivy League, a place where sisters and mothers don't need to run from their sons and brothers. On this surer ground, let us direct your attention to the painfully pathetic Brown Bears, who had the honor of ending Colgate's 16-game losing streak last week. We here at Roundup were looking for explanations for the Bears allowing a toothpaste to score 44 points on them, as well as for their 0-for-the-season start. Thus, we dialed up The Brown Daily Herald to get some answers. "They stink," an obviously knowledgeable Herald insider told Roundup. "They lost to a team that lost 16 straight games -- it's outrageous!" Source: "They had their best chance to get a win last week, and they didn't. I'm not saying they are going to finish 0-10, but my God?" Roundup's prediction of Brown's record at season's end, without heavenly intervention: 0-10. We here at Roundup figured that those potheads at Brown must be tearing themselves apart at the thought of the football team losing? "Nobody cares," our source told us. Those Brownies must be too busy fulfilling all those requirements, we guess. Columbia Hallucination of the Week All that marijuana smoke from Providence must be blowing south to Harlem -- you know, the place that Penn students go to escape the crime -- as the folks at The Columbia Spectator were not talking straight. Now that the Columbia is 3-0, you would think the student body would show a little New York City cockiness as the Lions head down to West Philly to face the Quakers this Saturday. But Brandon, the sports editor at the Spectator, was not exactly clear in his prediction. "Well, let's just say this: Y'all were better last year than you are this year, and we are better this year than we were last year, and last year we beat you, so it could happen. It's possible," said Brandon, in a not-exactly-Joe Namath-esque way. Hedging your bets there, a bit, Brandon? We here at Roundup would hedge our bets too if we thought Columbia had a chance to open its season at 4-0. That hasn't happened since 1945 -- the year, we at Roundup suspect, that the hottest mom at Bucknell was born.

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